sarablogsbaby

The Little Gym is Awesome...

2010-07-13T23:40:00.002-04:00

Before Nathanial started at the Little Gym, my mind was full of assumptions about the establishment itself as well as the kids and families paying for the service. Surely it was outrageously expensive. Surely only those rich people with loads of cash could afford to send their children there. That's what I thought. I thought that the Little Gym was for snobby kids with snobby parents. I have no idea why I thought this. I had not really looked at the pricing before establishing this idea, but, nevertheless, this was my perception of the Little Gym.

In addition to price, my second opinion of the Little Gym was that it was completely ridiculous. Do babies, toddlers and young children really need a separate setting to "work out" in? Come on!

After attending a birthday party for one of Nathanial's schoolmates, Lee and I began rethinking. He enjoyed it! And, it seemed as if there were a lot of good activities there to keep him moving. We weren't necessarily thinking about how it may help his arm. Then, we took him to an introductory class and I saw the possibilities.

I realized during the actual class (which was different from the birthday party) that there was more meat and merit to the Little Gym than I had given it credit. The classes really aren't just about bouncing around and having a good time. They are meant to be challenging, but at a level appropriate for the age group for which the class is designed. Nathanial has participated in walking on the balance board, climbing rock walls, crossing obstacle courses using parallel bars, all sorts of things! I can already tell that he has increased his coordination through playing with the balls, his arm strength through swinging on the bars, tumbling, etc., and, perhaps most importantly, I can see his confidence climb with every class. There is always something at the Little Gym that he just doesn't quite enjoy, but when he does it, he is thrilled that he has completed the task.

I am so proud of him, and I'm very thankful that we have added the Little Gym to his physical therapy. I'm still learning the balance of keeping the Little Gym fun while also providing a challenge for him. I don't want him to feel like everyone is always focused on his arm. Sometimes, I do give him little hints like, "Now how would Miss Physical Therapist (i use her name of course) want you to be holding your arm right now. Show me how she would want you to do it." I am positive and encouraging about it, but I want him to be aware of his arm and how he can work it while we are there. It's a great experience and I love going with him!

Chiggers...Ticks...Oh My!

2010-07-01T23:10:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in what seems like years, which cannot be the case, only my impression of how much time has passed. But yesterday there came a story that I cannot help but retell. Nathanial, my sweet, sweet child, has never apologized for anything simply because he didn't really understand the words "I'm sorry." Well, my friends, here is the heartbreaking story of how he came to learn what the words "I'm sorry."

Nathanial has an awesome tricycle that helps him work his arm that is affected by the brachial plexus injury. He loves it! We decided to take a tricycle ride. Let me back up a bit. We've been living with my in-laws and watching as our house is being built. There are two lots in the cul-de-sac that are uncleared and the deer love to hang out in them. Even though we don't make a habit of frolicking in these fields, the creepy crawlies occasionally make there way over to our yard and the yards around the neighborhood.

I digress. We went for a tricycle ride and a couple of times Nathanial rode his tricycle into the edge of the grace of my in-laws yard. We continued to ride and made our way down to cul-de-sac at the opposite end of the neighborhood. That is when I saw them. At the time, there were three or four tiny dots on his neck, top of his ear, etc. I tried to brush them off. They weren't coming off...I knew they were eating on my child. Now, as I'm realizing Nathanial is covered in "buggies," he is admiring a monarch butterfly feasting flowers around a neighbors mailbox. Needless to say, he did not want to leave and threw a tantrum. I managed to explain to him that he had "buggies" on him and we had to get them off. I then pushed his tricycle really fast and we pretended hew as a race car. It worked.

When we got into the house, I called out to my mother-in-law and told her I think we have ticks. I got the tweezers and alcohol preps. She helped hold him down. These creatures, whatever they were, were tiny. I'm talking smaller-than-a-freckle tiny. My fingers weren't cutting it and the tweezers were pinching. I kept telling Nathanial over and over again "I'm sorry, Mommy is sorry." Then he started saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Every time I moved the tweezers toward him he said "I'm sorry." Finally, he started shouting "All done...all done!" His tears and his apologies made me feel like he felt he was being punished or tortured for doing something wrong. It was extremely upsetting.

In total, I pulled 10 tick/chigger things off of him that night and one the next morning that had hidden in the fold behind his ear. We kept them in a ziplock back should he start to show symptoms of any of the tick-bourne diseases.

I reflected a lot on the experience. Obviously, I had no other choice in what I had to do. Perhaps I could have been a little less freaked out. Perhaps I could have been more calm. I have no idea. What I do know is that sometimes parents have to do things that at the time are painful and hard and almost impossible to get through but you do them because those things are vital for your child's wellbeing. In my case, I was trying to prevent Lyme disease. How do you explain that to a 2-year-old who thinks his Mama and Nana are torturing him? Sigh. Now he knows the words "I'm sorry," I just have to reteach him what they mean!

Need to Write...

2010-05-28T23:49:00.002-04:00

I don't believe I have posted since our family vacation in 2009 in Massanutten, Virginia. That has been almost a year ago! Though I've often though about deleting this blog, I am grateful that I haven't. I have been compelled recently to write as I have many things to write about. Not all of these writings will be about Nathanial - though he is the most wonderful thing in my life. Some of them will be about teaching, balancing home and work lives, building a new house, keeping a marriage going after six years, and many other things. It is almost midnight, and I need to build my writing endurance, so I will be off for tonight and begin again tomorrow. What I want to share the most is how the past 12 months challenged me, tortured me, and grew me into a passionate teacher. (I'm not that great at it yet, but I am passionate about it.) So that is where I will start...tomorrow...

What a Day at Massanutten!

2009-08-10T21:49:00.002-04:00

The day started with the alarm in Nathanial's room going off at 6:00 a.m. Either the previous occupants did not turn off the alarm or...my son turned it on!

Regardless, we were able to get him back down and rest a couple hours more. Then, we got up, Lee made pancakes and I was off to the Scrapbooking Techniques class. I went with the hopes that I could pass on some of my business cards...but, the instructor was a Creative Memories consultant herself. The class was great! I learned how to use so many of the Creative Memories products that I hadn't had the opportunity to try before...like the Paper Tearing Tool...which I purchased on site.

I then came home. We ate lunch and I worked on my scrapbook while Nathanial and Lee took a nap. Once the boys awakened, we headed to the water park! It took Nathanial a good twenty minutes to get comfortable with the water. He finally did and enjoyed going down the little slide. Lee and I took turns on a couple of different rides and enjoyed. We then had dinner at the Blue Ridge Buffet. It was actually really good. Then, we came home, bathed the Boo and we've been relaxing ever since.

Tomorrow is Washington D.C. With a toddler. Hmm...

Traveling with Nathanial

2009-08-09T23:20:00.002-04:00

One of the things I am learning about motherhood and raising a child is that it is a different experience for everyone. Duh, right! It took a while for this to sink in for me, so I'm going to stop posting in general terms like "Traveling with a Toddler" because every experience is going to be different depending on the toddler.

But, in regards to Nathanial, we have found that it works best to travel around the time he sleeps, but it nap time or bedtime. In fact, it seems that traveling at the start of bedtime, leaving for instance at 8:00 p.m. works really well. He sleeps until we get where we are going and if we are lucky we are able to put him straight into his Pack 'n Play. (Brief note about the Pack 'n Play - they are great and we love ours...but it's really not the same as him sleeping in his crib. He just doesn't sleep as well. But, we can't transport our crib now can we?)

So today we traveled around his nap time. He slept for a little over an hour and when he woke up, we stopped at McDonald's for a snack and then walked around a nearby Target to stretch our legs. Visiting Target as a tourist and not as a shopper is a very different experience! This one was packed...I couldn't believe it. Anyway. We did purchase Nathanial a sketch pad there for him to finger paint on as well as some crayons, which he has developed quite a taste for. Literally. Blue wax in teeth...yuck!

He did okay the rest of the way, but he was certainly ready to finally enter the condo. He ran around like a mad man. I also realized that those plastic things that cover the electrical outlets work! Without them there, Nathanial wanted to stick his fingers in those things. I had to have a very stern talking to with him and I forsee time-out in our future over the electrical outlet issue. So, if you are traveling with a toddler, you may want to consider taking some electrical outlet covers...

The condo in which we are staying has a huge jetted tub. We tried to take a communal bath with all three of us. Nathanial hated it! We have to get him over this fear of water. I have no idea where it came from.

Tomorrow I have a scrapbooking class in the morning. We'll have lunch. Then, we'll try out the waterpark. With our toddler...who is scared of water...yeah.

I'm so relaxed!!! It's great!

Peace

Crazy, Crazy Week

2009-08-08T00:44:00.002-04:00

This week has been a week o'cleaning! From the outside to the inside, I have cleaned, sometimes with help, sometimes without, from this past Saturday until today, Friday...I'm so tired.

I'm not sure why I'm not in bed...actually. It's 15 minutes until 1:00 a.m. And I've been complaining about sleep deprivation? Hmm...odd...

But, my house is clean! I had my first Creative Memories party which was fantastic. I love, LOVE this because I have finally found something I can sell...because I don't feel like I have to sell it, you know? It's just a good, fun product...I love it.

Anyway, Nathanial has been waking up fussing and crying over his teeth. I can't say I blame him. He's only got 7...one of which JUST popped through. I am envious of one of my friends whenever she hands her son a chip at the local Mexican restaurant and he can just eat it! I have to break into tiny pieces and then hover while Nathanial chews. Then, I found out that my other friend's almost 10 month old already has 5 teeth! Woah! That's impressive.

It's just so funny because Nathanial is so tall for his age...I mean, he's filling out size 24 month clothing fairly well. But, we're still waiting on the hair and teeth to really form and come in. He's so sweet though. I don't really care if he doesn't have a lot of teeth but I think he would enjoy eating a whole lot more!

Perhaps this was the most random post ever...for the most random week ever...of the most random summer ever...Vacation could not come at a better time!

What A Summer...

2009-08-03T22:26:00.002-04:00

This summer has been...well, INSANE!

It began with a broken foot in May. Technically, it was a cracked fifth metatarsal, but it still hurt like crazy! I tripped over my watering hose and fell off of the porch, landing, gracefully on the pinkie side of my foot.

In June, Nathanial and I had back to back beach trips - one with Daddy, the other with the girls - my mother, sister, and nieces. I also began school in June - going back to get my teaching certificate. 669 Educational Psychology was not so bad. I survived rather unscathed.

Toward the end of June, class number one ended and two more began. The 4 weeks that followed were filled with LOTS of reading, writing, writing and reading. Reading some more. Writing some more. It was challenging! My house grew dirtier and dirtier. My laundry, when it was done, was washed by my in-laws. I was up until 1:30 a.m. most nights...but, I made As! I even received a 50/50 (a.k.a 100%) on a paper I worked entirely too hard on. I was so happy!

While I was studying, I also was able to spend lots of great time with Nathanial. He is growing up so fast! It's unbelievable. We're starting to trade walking for running and receiving lots of boo-boos until we get a bit sturdier at moving fast! He talks like crazy! Only a few words, but lots of other gibber gabber. He says car, Mama, Dada, Mamaw, bye bye, hot dog...and, then the rest is a mix of sounds. He still only has six teeth and Nana is convinced he's cutting six more. I'm fairly certain she's correct. We've been waking up in the middle of the night off and on for a couple of weeks now. A few days it was bad and so I took him to the doctor, thinking that perhaps he had an earache. Nope. Teething. Sigh...

We have a new physical therapist who is a bit more aggressive and demands a bit more from our end of things. Stretching. Electrostimulation. Weight bearing. Kinesio taping. These things we've been doing. But, now she's added something: constraint therapy. We essentially tie down Nathanials good arm and force him to use his right. It's so hard! But, if given finger paint, he manages it just fine! We're supposed to be doing this twice a day for 15 mintues per day. We've done it two days, once a day for 15 minutes...so, we're working our way into it. He's come a long way.

This week, I'm gearing up for a Creative Memories Get Together my mother is hosting at my house. I'm so excited to be a consultant now for this product. It's too much fun! Anyway, I'm cleaning house for that and preparing to head out this weekend for our family vacation to Massanutten Resort. Then, I'll wait to hear back from an interview I had last week. I'm leaving the whole teaching job issue in God's hands. There is not much I can do aside from continue my coursework, perfect my resume, apply and interview. If I don't get a job, I'll continue to substitute. We will see what happens!

So there! We're caught up! I have a lot of things I want to blog about including, but not limited to:

Jon and Kate (yes, I have to go there)
Summer things Nathanial could not have lived without
Creative Memories
Massanutten experiences
Etc...

So, stay tuned!

It's Been Too Long...

2009-07-31T23:06:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! It has been a LONG TIME since I have posted and I am aware how inconsistent I seem. I have a confession to make: It's hard to carve out time when you have a toddler...and, you don't really want to! You'd rather tickle him or watch him eat a Popsicle or stick your feet in his sandbox while he plays.

I was motivated to start blogging again because of two reasons:

I had a friend comment that she had been "trying to keep up with me" through my blog...and though I know she was talking about her own hectic schedule, I realized, there's been nothing to keep up with!
I was listening to NPR and I heard a fascinating story on the powerful MommyBlogger.

#2 is what I where I would like to start my random narratives. NPR has become what I listen to on the radio all of the time. I happen to think Dick Gordon has one of the nicest voices I've ever heard. Anyway, I was listening to a gentleman describe the Mom blogs and the frustration some have with the authenticity of them.

If any of you have followed my blog consistently, which I doubt anyone has, I'm not all that interesting, then you would know that I have been wanting to monetize this blog and make it an income stream for me. What is interesting is that this story seemed to question whether or not that was the important thing in the realm of the Mommy Blog.

Apparently, there are tens of thousands of mommies out there making money off of their blogs. Some of them are doing so through sponsorships, advertising or even recieving swag from companies that they blog highly about! The concern is that some of these mommies may be saying only positive things about certain products due to an incentive of some sort provided by the company.

I decided after hearing this that I needed to make a disclaimer for my blog! I do not recieve money from sponsors, or free diapers, or free sippy cups, or free anything for my comments about products. I do share my opinions on products freely so that someone can either pick up on an idea or criticize it. I have realized that being a mother does not make me an expert on motherhood. Far from it! I'm LACKING in knowledge and need to know it desperately.

So when I share that my mother went out and bought Huggies Natural diapers for Nathanial and they were the softest most wonderful diapers I have ever felt, please know that I am not saying this because Huggies is offering me free diapers to do so. However, Huggies big wigs, if you would like to send me free products, I will gladly accept!

So, when you read my blog, I am not tailoring what advice or products I share to match a sponsors needs or wants. Do I throw products in to help me rank a little higher on search engines and to help Adsense pull appropriate ads for my site? Sure. I'm not sure it's working, but I do want more readership, involvement and appropriate adversising through Adsense.

Does this mean that I think those moms who do work on sponsorships and free swag should be condemned? Heck no! They are making a living doing something they love and are able to balance with a family while recieving free products. Good for them! Who wouldn't do this?

I'll have a "real" post tomorrow...or at least, try to!

1st Post Since April! - On Sleeping Issues!

2009-06-18T22:41:00.002-04:00

Well, we'll just say I took some time off! Truth be told, I'm in the middle of classes (going back to get my teaching certificate), being a mommy and wifie and quite frankly, it's sucked the time right away from me!

So I thought I would post quickly on something relevant to where Nathanial is in his sleeping patterns...or should I say lack of a sleeping pattern. We went on vacation, the girls in my family and I and we returned with a toddler used to doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted including sleeping! It's been 10:00 PM some night's getting him to go to sleep.

(To those new mommies out there who are only getting 2-3 hours of sleep per night, please don't hate me. You'll understand soon. You'll start getting some good sleep, get your energy back then WHAM, teething or WHAM ear infection or WHAM baby-just-doesn't-want-to-sleep will kick in and man it will be rough!)

So, I've tried to reinforce the good ol' night time routine: dinner, play, bathtime, massage as long as he will tolerate it, book with sippy and night-night. Well, last night, it did not work. He wanted to come into the living room and watch Thomas...oh Thomas...that's a whole other post right there...whew. Anyway, I let him cry for 15 minutes and then went into his room, repositioned him, kissed him and said "Mommy loves you; night-night!" I let him cry for 5 more minutes and then returned and did the same thing over again - repositioned him, kissed him, "Mommy loves you; night-night!" I had to do this 1 more time, but finally I guess he decided to believe me because he went to sleep.

So tonight I started the bedtime routine a bit earlier and had him in his pjs and ready to go down at like 7:45. (I have noticed it's harder to enforce an early bedtime in the summer with the sunshine). He took a good bath - nice, calm, bubbles...it all went well. He fussed at me through clothing him, massaging him and then he did not want to read. He, again, wanted to leave and go into the living room. Finally I said, "Okay, I can see you don't want to read. Mommy loves you; night-night!" I put him in his bed. He found his thumb. He's been asleep ever since.

Go figure!

100th Post!

2009-04-27T22:28:00.002-04:00

For the past several months, (pre-Lent, let's say) I've been planning my 100th post! I thought, for a while at least, that I would come up with not just 25 things but rather 100 random things about myself, Nathanial, Lee, our home etc. Alas, life has taken over and I have been overwhelmed by it. I have so much I want to say and so much that I want to blog about, so just be patient with me. Here is a brief update:

Nathanial is walking very well.
I have a foot fracture!
I threw in the real estate towel and am now substitute teaching and working toward my teaching license.
Lee is doing well at his job and back in I-want-the-perfect-yard mode. Fantastic, except it was while watering the plants that I managed to fracture my foot!
I love high school freshman!

So there! There are 5 random things for you! Here is what I want to blog about soon:

Various charities that I have fallen in love with.
Feeding toddlers
What it really means to experience the "firsts" - i.e. first steps, first words, etc.
Embracing Working Motherhood

And much, much more.

Can't wait to catch you up!

Sara

Luck Happens...

2009-02-04T22:14:00.004-05:00

When hard work meets opportunity...

So says my fortune cookie from P.F. Changs this past Saturday. So my question is, how hard do you have to work? And is working hard the same thing as working all of the time? If opportunity is a moment in time, a brief fleeting second that can be missed with the blink of an eye, it seems that this proverb is insinuating that one must work constantly.

I've been thinking a lot about balance today and how it relates to motherhood and raising a baby. There is a balance between working hard and playing hard. A balance between working on your home and enjoying your home. A balance between getting through the daily "chores" and actually experiencing them, living them, being present in them. I think about changing Nathanial's diaper. Don't worry, I'm not going to get too deep over a diaper change. But, it has become such an ordeal. He hates it. He screams and tries to roll away. I get frustrated and end up a ball of negative energy.

Sometimes I look back at things in my life, and I realize that I have forgotten so many things. I don't want to forget changing his diapers. I've already forgotten what it was like to breastfeed and how he felt in my arms when he was two weeks old. I've forgotten how easily it was to change is diaper when he was a little baby!

My point is this: At what point is luck not worth the constant stress, worry, and work that leads us often to the point of experiencing life continually in the past or in the future. Our constant search for the next "opportunity" steals us from the present moment...it steals our joy.

I've spent the last several weeks going back and forth between busting my but and experiencing extreme lathargy. It's like I get a boost of energy and I'm able to substitute, keep the house and laundry going, blog and write articles at night without batting an eye. Then, other days, I don't want to do anything.

As a mom, I realize how important it is to show my son balance. I don't want him to think that life is all work and no play. And, I want to play with him and enjoy him and not just see constant tasks that need done. It's sort of like that Kleenex commercial where the lady is going through her day and experiences "touch, touch, touch, touch, touch," and then she she feels a Kleenex and experiences "feel." That is how I feel I go through my days - I feed, I change clothes, I change diaper, I put down for nap, I wash bottles...I need that "feel" moment. Sometimes, I do feel like I experience him and the moment at night when I'm giving him a bottle. I need quiet time with him. I crave quiet time with him. And with my husband.

Even at this moment, I'm watching Top Chef, chatting with a good friend and typing this blog up - I'm not in the moment.

I'm not sure how to strike this balance. Any suggestions?

Rough Day...

2009-01-29T20:30:00.003-05:00

Nathanial is either extremely irritable because of the razor blades trying to push their way through his gums, or he has another ear infection. I say this because, it has been one heck of a day!

The morning was good. He ate a good breakfast. Enjoyed the delicacies that Mama provides...waffles, kiwi, mixed berry yogurt. Then, around 10:15, he starts getting a little cranky and I figure it's time for a bottle and perhaps a nap. He downed the bottle and then, boom, was wide awake again, ready to go! This concerns me mainly on Thursdays because we have OT in the afternoon, and if he hasn't nap, it's almost not worth going because he's just not into it.

So, he doesn't sleep. I figure, okay, I'll wait until 11:00. Wait until 11:00...still no sleep. At this point, I realize that it's going to be after lunch before he closes his so weary eyes. About this point, I get the sense that he's really hurting because he's fussing, his hands are in his mouth, yada, yada, yada. I administer Tylenol.

So, I wait until about 11:30 and make us both lunch. By the time we're done, he's completely exhausted. I put him in his bed. He SCREAMS...

I rush and get ready and decide to just take him on a drive which does eventually put him to sleep. He was a perfect ANGEL during OT.

I then stopped by Mom's to pick up orange juice and meat, (Thanks mom!) and let them have a little visit and then head home. Nathanial doesn't go to sleep in the car. He takes a bottle when he gets home. He's fine until about 3:45 and then, he's cranky.

So, I start rocking again and try to put him down. SCREAMING, SCREAMING, SCREAMING!
I finally give up, give him more Tylenol and take him to the den to play. He makes it through dinner and then goes to bed EARLY. Poor thing was exhausted.

I just hate feeling like I don't know exactly what is going on or how to help him all of the time. He's not running a fever, and I want to give it a day before I go to the doctor as I just went thinking Nathanial's jaw was swollen (Nana, Mamaw, the OT and the receptionist at pediatric rehab ALL noticed it)...Dr. looked me like I was nuts.

Anyway, cheers to Tylenol, Motrin and Orajel!

Weaning from the Bottle

2009-01-27T21:15:00.002-05:00

Nathanial is 10.5 months old. This means, according to both of my baby books, we have at least 1.5 months and at most 5 months to wean him from the bottle onto a sippy cup/cup. We've introduced him to the idea of the sippy cup. He drinks water and/or juice out of it during meal times, and we've been able to occasionally get a feeding in through the sippy cup.

Still, there are a few problems that are facing.

The limited movement in his right arm makes it harder for him to lift the cup up high enough for the liquid to flow.
He likes his bottle...especially during this teething phase. He sort of relies on it to go to sleep. Not a good thing, I know, but it is what it is.
Mamaw is not so supportive. Nana has successfully given two sippies of formula to Boo. Kudos to Nana. Mamaw really enjoys rocking and bottling. And I don't blame her. But I want to progress on this.

It's not like I'm going to take the bottle away from him tomorrow, cold-turkey without the weaning process. On the contrary, I do want this to be a gradual process. But, we've got to keep the ball rolling. I don't want a 3-year-old bottle sucker...

Any thoughts on this?

Baby #2

2009-01-25T11:56:00.003-05:00

No world, I am not expecting. Mom, please breathe a sigh of relief.

I am writing this blog full of fear, anxiety, and yet, I am also hopeful. I've been thinking about this blog for a long time, but I have waited for the appropriate time to write it. Last night, I held a little bundle. A little girl bundle who was so precious. In fact, because I don't want to post her name without her mama's permission, we'll just call her Precious!

Born 8 weeks early, Precious is now 4 months old but closer in size to a 2 month old and she's absolutely beautiful. It's amazing how different a newer baby feels than a 10-month old. They even smell different. Our one-year-old friend, we'll call him, Mr. J, was also there with his mom and dad.

Both of us, Mama J. and myself, were excited to hold the little one. So warm. So cuddly. So cute in her little dress and tights.

"I don't know, Lee," I said at one point, "We may have to reconsider this 2nd baby thing."

Perhaps I should interject into the story here where Lee and I are on the idea of another baby. We go back and forth on a regular basis. Both of us do. Sometimes, I can't imagine not ever being pregnant again and feeling little feet kick my ribs. It was annoying at the time, but it is so special. On the other hand, I look back at the birth and think I could NEVER do that again and be perfectly okay. Lee, being the practical one of the two of us, tends to be much more logical about it, although I know he waivers on it too. Regardless of what we want, right now we simply can't afford it.

All of that being said, that isn't what this blog is about. Mama J. said something to me that really struck me and left me questioning just how much the birthing process and Nathanial's injury has affected my perception of pregnancy and childbirth. She said, "Just forget the past. Don't think about it."

Wow. It was simple, but it was a moment for me. The truth is, the experience does haunt me and sometimes I relive it every time we go to OT. I feel like I was given one task: to provide a warm, healthy place for the baby to grow in my belly and to deliver him safely. I feel like I a failed him, and I don't want to mess up again.

I'm so grateful for him and so thankful that he is getting better, but I'm still full of shoulda, woulda, couldas and it dramatically impacts the way I view the future. Will we have more children? Time will tell. Right now, I just want to focus on being the best Mom I can to Nathanial.

Nathanial's Favorite Books!!!

2009-01-20T21:45:00.004-05:00

I wanted to take a minute and review some of Nathanial's favorite books. Why are they his favorites? Probably because they are my favorites and I get UBER excited reading them. I am listing them from 10 to 1, though the only one that I am actually ranking is My World, my absolute favorite children's book of all time!

10. And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street

This is a book that I think will be much more fun when Nathanial is older. I love the fact that
it tugs at the imagination. Dr. Seuss, as you will see, is one of my favorites!

9. It's Not Easy Being Big

Stephanie St. Pierre and John Lund have created a wonderful book with recognizable
characters. I enjoy reading it to Nathanial because I can point out Big Bird and Elmo while
while realizing how much I miss Snuffle-upagus. The book also sneaks lessons in about large
and small, high and low, tall and small, etc. It is a little long for a baby, but I'm sure as
Nathanial gets older, he will really enjoy it.

8. There's A Wocket In My Pocket

I love, love, love myself some Dr. Seuss. This is NO exception. I enjoy reading all of the
names of the silly creatures in this book and Nathanial can tell that I enjoy it so it's really fun.

7. Baby Einstein's Touch and Feel Baby Animals and Touch and Feel Farm Animals

Nathanial loves these a lot more than I do. He flips through the pages and feels all of the
different textures and all but reads the book to himself. He "Ooos" and"goo,goo,goos." It's so
cute. My favorite animal is the baby hedgehog in the back of the Baby Animals book.

6. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish

Again, love myself some Dr. Seuss. I mean, how can you resist this exchange:

"Hello there Ned. How do you do? Tell me, tell me, what is new? How are things in your
little bed? What is new? Please tell me, Ned."

"I do not like this bed at all. A lot of things have come to call. A cow, a dog, a cat a mouse.
Oh! What a bed! Oh! What a house!

5. Daddy Kisses

I don't read this book to Nathanial. This is his special time with Daddy book. I know Lee loves
it and I know Nathanial loves it. The book shares the experiences of different animal Daddies
loving on their babies. "Daddy wolf gives his pup...a kiss on the nose."

4. Goodnight Moon

Goodnight Moon is a classic nighttime book. I love the fact that it alternates between full color
pages and black and white pages. There is rhyming, but not the Dr. Seuss kind; it is more
poetic. Nathanial knows when this book comes out, it's bedtime!

3. Mr.Brown Can Moo! Can You?

Dr. Seuss at his finest! I get so excited when I read this book to Nathanial! My favorite parts:
"Boom, Boom, Boom, Mr. Brown is a wonder! Boom, Boom, Boom, Mr. Brown makes
thunder! He makes lightning, SPLATT, SPLATT SPLATT (at this point, I take my finger and
poke Nathanial in the ribs), and it's very, very hard to make a noise like that." And then, "Mr.
Brown can whisper, whisper very soft, very high like the soft soft whisper of a butterfly."
Nathanial gets SO tickled when I whisper. It's odd really!

2. Baby Einstein Mimi's Toes and Water, Water Everywhere

Nathanial loves the water books; mainly, he enjoys teething and sucking on them while he
takes a bath. We enjoy reading and splashing through these books. They make bath time more entertaining for him!

1. My World

I love, love LOVE this book. It's poetic and the illustrations are beautiful just like in Goodnight Moon. The little bunny is the same as in Goodnight Moon so Nathanial has that to relate to in each book. What I am especially fascinated with is that she uses poetic enjambments. Enjambments, in a children's book!

My bed.
Mother's bed.
I go to sleep when my story is read,
When my prayers are said and when my head
Is sleepy on my pillow.

And

Daddy's boy.
Mother's boy.
My boy is just a toy
Bear.

I love it! That is why this is my #1 Book!

Sleepy Baby

2009-01-19T21:47:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been getting VERY tickled at my little man. You all know the sleep issues we have had. I've blogged about it 18 million times. Well, perhaps once or twice, but hey, who's counting? So, he's a sleep fighter, right. He hates it. Specifically naps.

Today, I took Nathanial to visit his Mamaw and to go have lunch at Olive Garden. Soup, salad and breadsticks baby! Seeing that Nathanial woke up this morning at 6:30 am, I knew we needed to get a nap in before we went to lunch at 12:00 noon.

He fought it. And he fought it. And Mamaw came to the rescue and entertained him right out of the nap...

So, he doesn't nap and we head out. All the while I'm thinking "This is going to be an interesting lunch."

So we get there and he's not feeling the high chair, so Mamaw, coming to the rescue, puts him on her lap and starts feeding him a breadstick while I get out his squash and corn and pears. Then, our soup comes...

Mom starts cooling down and feeding him sips of the broth from the minestrone. I am assuming that the warmth of the soup and the filling of the baby started him on the route to sleepyland. He starts rocking himself and his eyes start fluttering. It was hilarious. My mom kept saying, well I can just lay him beside of me when he goes to sleep."

Yeah right! I knew he wasn't going to sleep. We were able to feed him out of being fussy, but when we got him in the car, he was out in seconds!

Naps...you can't live with them, you can't live without them when you're a 10-month-old!

Discipline Baby?

2009-01-18T20:52:00.004-05:00

I was at the birthday party of a friend's one-year-old the other day and was somewhat shocked to find out that the little buddy had already been placed in time out...

Fast forward about 48 hours. Nathanial has this new huffy, whiny, mopey, sometimes screaing problem that he has developed with getting his diaper changed. It is somewhat new and has intensified the more mobile he has become. He just doesn't want to take the time to get his diaper changed.

It got to the point where I asked myself, "Self," I thought "He needs to know that you don't like this behavior and would much rather him be handling himself in a different, more polite manner."

Yes, folks. I know he is a 10 month old, but I truly believe training in manners and the right way to do things should start early.

Please understand that I did not grow angry at him. Though I was slightly annoyed, my actions were to show him that his rolling around while Mommy was putting a clean diaper on was unacceptable. So, while I was putting the diaper on, I tried to remain Present (See Eckhart Tolle A New Earth) while still saying to him "Nathanial, Mommy doesn't like it when you roll around while she is changing your diaper. It would be much easier if you would let me get this done."

(Keep in mind I give him everything I can think of to entertain him while I change him from a diaper wipe or his toothbrush to his toy phone or stuffed bear).

Then, up from the changing table and into the playpen he went. "Time out," I said. I shut the door to the master bedroom and walked away. I spent 60 seconds questioning my decision and then returned to a very sad baby. I cuddled him up and explained to him why I did what I did and we moved on with our day.

I have only done this one more time. Again, it was diaper rolling before bed. I was able to get his pajamas on, though he was screaming by the time I was done. I left him in the floor, said "Time out" and shut the door to his bedroom. 60 seconds later, I went back and he was actually very calm.

I've read in both of my books a bit about discipline. Both say not to spank. Well, of course I would never spank an infant. It said not to yell or call them bad. Check. Didn't do that either. And it did say to explain why you are doing what you are doing to hopefully teach the child.

Now, again, I understand that he is a 10 month old. I get that. He may not understand my involved explainations, but, what I think it is doing is helping us both grow into how that part of our relationship is going to work. I don't ever want him to feel like he is a bad kid, but, I want him to respect people and to respect that his actions have consequences. What do you all think?

More Sleep Struggles

2009-01-13T21:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, so we can't get Nathanial to nap these days. He fights, fights and fights some more. The only time he slept today was on his way to his Mamaw's. Then, he fought sleep this evening when we tried to put him down!

Now, if he had enjoyed a full 12 hour night of sleep then I wouldn't be so concerned (or slightly annoyed) But, alas, he woke up at 3:15 am and was up until 4:45 am.

What to do what to do? Well, there are many theories as to what can be going on:

He's teething. This is not a theory. This is a fact. His gums are SWOLLEN!
He's spoiled. Also, more fact than theory. We've rocked him to sleep all his little life...
His ear infection did not clear up with the antibiotic. I hope this is NOT the case.
He's suffering from separation anxiety.

We will see what happens! Tomorrow, we go for our first OT appointment. Please keep Nathanial in your prayers and wish us luck. His arm is showing signs of improvement, but it's not near where we would like it to be. So just pray for us.

On Nathanial And Sleep...

2009-01-12T22:11:00.003-05:00

So, we're in the middle of another transition. Transitioning from infant into the waddler/toddler stage. And, along with his eating habits, Nathanial is experiencing some sleeping difficulties.

Having read What To Expect the First Year and Caring For Your Baby and Young Child, I have come to the conclusion that we are going to have to be patient. Here is what seems to be happening:

1. Nathanial is napping no more than 1-2 hours a day.
2. We put him down around 7:30 pm.
3. Lee and I stay up too late.
4. Nathanial wakes up at 2:00 pm.
5. Nathanial either goes back to sleep on his own or we have to calm him down.

The process is exasperating and I become and evil, evil person. I guess the fact that I have enjoyed nights of sleep for a few months has spoiled me. What I have read in the two books mentioned above is that Nathanial is starting to feel separation anxiety. Which, of course, makes me feel even more like I need to be at home. Just tell the wolf at the door that.

Anyway, Nathanial apparently wakes up in the middle of the night wanting us, cries out and either calms down or continues to be upset. The books say not to feed him, but rather speak to him soothingly and leave the room. Waiting 5 minutes between entrances. This is hard. Sooo hard.

I will keep you posted on how it works.

On New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-11T21:52:00.004-05:00

January 11th, 2009. I have already botched up many of my New Year's resolutions. In fact, I can't even remember some of them! I'll have to return to the blog in which I posted the resolutions and retrieve them from there. What have I struggled with the most?

What do you think?

All things related to eating and exercising. Oh yeah, and the one about only eating sweets once a month. I have kept up with reading, for the most part. I haven't blogged every day though, nor have I written creatively as I would like.

Oh look! I found them...

Read every day. The Bible as well as the book schedule I have already implemented. (Not doing so badly on this one)
Exercise 30 minutes a day five times a day. (Hahaha)
Eat healthy - minimize sweets to once a month. (Hehehe)
Let go and let God... (Hmm...)
Get Nathanial on a sleeping/eating schedule. For real this time. (Teeheehee...he didn't make the same resolutions I did!)
Write. (Not too behind on this)
Blog daily. (I'm sorry...I've goofed on this one too...)
Let go and let God... (Huh?)
Limit TV viewing. In short: Lost, The Office, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and any TLC show that is of particular interest, such as, Half Man Half Tree or anything involving dwarfism. (Okay, look, there is a transgendered person on The Real World. How can I pass that up?)
LET GO AND LET GOD...(Sara clears throat)

I've got a long way to go on this list. I think what happens to so many people with resolutions is that once they have slipped, they think they have failed and will never succeed. I am SO one of these people too. Especially on the Let go and Let God part. Is that ever going to happen? Can I ever TRULY give myself over to Him? Do I really have the discipline to be as healthy as I want to be? Can I give up the TV addiction?

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. I guess I need to let go and give all of this to Him, trusting Him to guide me through making the right decisions.

Consequences

2009-01-10T23:39:00.003-05:00

There are a couple of things I feel that kids these days (and by kids, I actually mean anyone my age or younger) are not being taught. One is that life is hard. As my mother-in-law put it so well, "Life is full of big NOs." So many times parents say to their kids "If you don't want to, you don't have to." This arises when objections occur to such things as eating vegetables, continuing a season of a sport, using the school bathroom (yes, some students actually get checked out of school to go home and use the bathroom) or abstaining from sex.

The question "Why can't I?" starts from a young age when people are told NO! The questions get bigger as individuals age and are upgraded from "Mom, why can't I borrow the car?" to "Why can't I be exactly what I want to be and make exactly the amount of money I need? Why can't I succeed as a singing alpaca farmer?" Because, life answers some of my questions with a big NO. Now, before you get mad at me for being a negative realist, understand that I believe in chasing one's dreams. I just acknowledge that sometimes it's not an instinatneous thing. See, that is the other problem. It's not just that we want what we want, it is that we want it RIGHT NOW. No patience. No desire to work hard. Sigh...

Moving on. Life also has big consequences. Look at todays financial situation for illustrations of this. "Why can't I live beyond my means and have the life that I want and that everyone else has?" Because you can't spend more than you have for an extended period of time without, what's the word, CONSEQUENCES. I.e. reposession, foreclosure...you name it, it is happening. I know that people have also been taken advantage of by greedy mortgage brokers, lenders, and yes, even real estate agents, but, I would venture to say most just wanted more than they could really afford.

My point is this:

Decisions, good or bad, reap consequences.
You spend more than you make, you may face foreclosure or bankruptcy.
You practice poor eating and exercise habits, your health will be affected.
You commit crimes, you'll be discovered, arrested, and punished.

That is life. But...kids in school these days can be disrespectful and violent and very little is done. Granted, this is because teachers can only do so much. At the very worst, they are going to be sent home to their parents who may or may not punish them.

Okay, it's after midnight. There is my rant.

Goodnight!

I'm Sad Today

2009-01-06T22:45:00.002-05:00

I have the intention of blogging on the topic I mentioned yesterday: the lack of consequences amongst the youth of today.

Today, however, I'm just not feeling it. I've had a rough day. We found out that, while our insurance had previously told us Nathanial receives 20 PT visits per year running from January to December, in reality, the visits are per year running July to June. Long story short, we're out of PT visits and have to switch to OT...sigh...

It's frustrating. It's frustrating feeling that I can't fufill that need for him. I

Little Girls...

2009-01-05T21:21:00.003-05:00

Wow, what an experience I had on Sunday...

Sidenote: I would have posted this on Sunday, however, Lee and I went on a huge money saving shopping spree that took for freakin ever...i.e. Harris Teeter was TRIPLING coupons, and, after dividing carts and coupons so that we could use ALL of the coupons we had, we saved $51.00. That is SOO huge. We then had to purchase a 6 ft standing cabinet so that we could fit all of the food we bought. One could complain about the lack of a pantry, however, I choose to be thankful that we have the problem of too much food, not enough space. The point of this sidenote is that I didn't stop moving until about 10:00 pm...thus, no blog.

Moving on. So we're at Qdoba with the in-laws, and of course, Baby Boo, when a young girl, I would say no older than 7 catches the eye of my little Nathanial, who flirts with all little girls. Well, my mother-in-law, says "Your to young for that little girl, Nathanial, that little girl is too old for you."

Little Girl scoffs, rolls her eyes and walks back to her seat...

After giving my mother-in-law the skank eye (is that the way you spell it) all meal long, the girl walks past us to fill her drink up. Again my mother-in-law says something like "she's a pretty little girl, isn't she Nathanial."

Little Girls frowns, "I don't like being called a little girl..."

Hold up! Tell me no...I know that this child did not get upset for being called "little." It seems that ALL young ones want to grow up too fast. They want to have fun like adults and be in charge of their own lives. They want to eat what they want and stay up as late as they want, not realizing that when you are an adult, you really only stay up late worrying about finances, rocking a baby to sleep or fighting indigestion.

When I look back at my childhood, it was not easy. And I still am not completely released of the chains it has around me. Still, there was a simplicity to it. Certain decisions were decided for me. Big decisions. Now, I have to decide things on my own. Sometimes I would like to go back in time and be cradled in the easiness of it.

So Little Girls...slow down. It's not so bad...you'll be a big girl soon enough.

Part II of this will be blogged tomorrow: The Generation Without Consequences

On Nathanial and Food

2009-01-03T22:53:00.002-05:00

Okay, so we started Nathanial on a little bit of rice cereal since he was 3.5 months old and he has loved food ever since. Today, we visited dear friends and Nathanial's buddy who was turning 1. Said one year old is pretty well weaned off of baby food, transitioning to whole milk and is starting to get over the whole bottle thing. I watched the kid shovel in FISTFULS of cut up cheese pizza, and of course, filled up on cake!

So, of course, we gave Nathanial a taste of things. He got a couple of bites of pizza, a sweet gherkin cut up, a couple of tastes of an apple and some apple and oat baby food.

I worry frequently if I'm doing the right thing by Nathanial's eating. Here is what he eats:

Bottle at wake-up
Breakfast
Bottle
Lunch
Bottle
Dinner
Bottle

So, there is essentially 4 bottles and breakfast lunch and dinner in his day. Some days he also has a snack of either puffs and juice or an apple in one of the mesh pacifiers.

There is NO doubt that he is eating enough...weight gain is not and has never been a problem for him. But with his chronic constipation issues, I wonder if there's something I could be doing just a bit better. You know? I just want him to have a good start in life and for him to be able make good choices in life. I'm not so sure whatching Mommy down a pice of pizza followed by cake was such a good example.

We'll try again tomorrow...

Super Why!

2009-01-02T21:19:00.004-05:00

So, Nathanial is 9 months old and already has a TV addiction. Granted, he only enjoys the delights of this magical treat 30 minutes a day, still they seem to have a great hold on him.

His show is called Super Why and it is on PBS Kids. He LOVES it. He will stop whatever he is doing to watch these kids go through books and emphasize reading issues such as letters, spelling, etc. Once the show is off, he could care less about whatever comes on after it.

So, should I worry about this? I don't feel that it is a huge deal because it's not like I'm using TV as a babysitter. Still, I don't want to start the brain rot at too early an age.

Let me know your thoughts.

Sorry this is short. I don't feel well...

The Value of a Housewife

2009-01-01T19:54:00.004-05:00

Perhaps I never noticed before because I was never in a situation to observe, but it seems to me that there is little to no value placed on staying at home, raising the kids and taking care of the household these days.

Please understand, I believe in the rights of a woman to be anything that she wants to be. An astronaut, an attorney, President of the United States...whatever. I'm not opposed to women in the workforce, and, to take it one step further, I believe that women should be treated and paid fairly. Enough said.

However, it seems to me that feminism has sucked a dream right out of some women's hands: the dream of staying at home to raise children and tend to the home.

What does a housewife do? Well, it sort of depends on whether or not the family is set up as a Donna Reid situation or more like my family in which I work about 25-30 hours a week as a substitute teacher and split the household duties about 60/40, me holding down the 60%. Lee does the yard work, the trash and (more often than not) the cooking consistently. And, he works full time. I clean, do the laundry, and pay the bills consistently. We balance dishes, bottle washing and putting Nathanial down for bed.

It frustrates me that women who stay at home are somehow considered less ambitious or even less intelligent than women who join the work force. This has hit me hard after a conversation with someone from my church. Apparently, this person (who happens to be extremely educated and hard working) did not know I was out of real estate and asked me for comps for a rental home she and her husband has in a neighborhood not far from where I live. When I told her I was now substitute teaching, she said, and I quote:

"Well that doesn't pay dick..."

Firstly, I could not believe that word came out of her mouth. After all, she's so intelligent and I thought intelligent people used the word penis. It also just didn't seem proper seeing her position in our church. But that wasn't all. I took her offering suggestions of all the things that I could do that pay more extremely personally as I felt that she saw now value in the life I was living.

What I don't think she understood is that I work the job that I work to balance out my work-home life and be there for my family. Perhaps being at home and reading to my son and doing laundry and washing bottles and scrubbing toilets and paying bills doesn't "pay dick," but that doesn't mean there isn't any value in it.

After all...many working moms HIRE people and PAY them to cook them meals, do their laundry, clean their home and read to their child, and that is OKAY. More power to them. What I am saying is that there are people who get PAID to essentially be housewives.

So why is it when a woman, an intelligent, college-educated woman CHOOSES to work as little as she can and stay home to make her house the best place it can be for her husband to come home to, she's all of the sudden backward, simple, stupid, or, and I hate this one, not living up to her potential?

I have a 9 month old son. A 9 month old son who means the world to me and faces doctor's appointments monthly and physical therapy weekly. Could we use some more cash? Absolutely! We're in debt. We NEED more cash. But he also needs his mommy. And until we can figure out a different situation, this is how it has to be. And no value can be placed on that.

So This is Christmas…And What Have You Done

2008-12-31T20:23:00.002-05:00

Another year over. A new one’s just begun…

The words to that song haunt me more than many other Christmas carols. Why? Because at the end of every year I look back at the resolutions I have made and, low and behold, I haven’t kept a single one of them. This past year, I did do many things though. I had a baby. And, many panic attacks later, I managed to fail at my New Year’s Resolution for last year: Let go and let God. I let worry rule last year. Perhaps the resolution itself was just too big for me. This year, I have a few resolutions I will keep.

Read every day. The Bible as well as the book schedule I have already implemented.
Exercise 30 minutes a day five times a day.
Eat healthy - minimize sweets to once a month.
Let go and let God...
Get Nathanial on a sleeping/eating schedule. For real this time.
Write.
Blog daily.
Let go and let God...
Limit TV viewing. In short: Lost, The Office, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and any TLC show that is of particular interest, such as, Half Man Half Tree or anything involving dwarfism.
LET GO AND LET GOD...

40 Things I've Learned Along My Motherhood Journey

2008-12-30T21:29:00.002-05:00

1. Boobs serve a purpose beyond male entertainment.
2. The female body has a mind of its own…
3. Marriage is completely different once a baby comes.
4. Newborns are high maintenance.
5. Sleep deprivation sucks.
6. Baby boys do not have control of where they pee.
7. Baby boys pee a lot.
8. Poop comes in all sizes, shapes and colors.
9. Pink anti-biotic goes in…runny poop comes out.
10. Ear infections hurt little babies pretty badly.
11. Teething is hard on little babies…and mommies…
12. Hemorrhoids linger…
13. Silly dancing entertains babies AND helps burn off baby weight.
14. Baby laughs are absolutely contagious.
15. It’s amazing how much our baby reminds you of yourself and your husband.
16. Once they sleep through the night, it all gets better.
17. I love slobbery baby kisses.
18. Babies grow up so fast.
19. 23 lb 9 month olds can injure one’s shoulder.
20. The brand of the diaper really doesn’t matter.
21. Mylicon is liquid gold.
22. The BRAT diet helps with anti-biotic poop and diarrhea.
23. Prunes and juice help with constipation.
24. House work is hard work.
25. Motherhood is full of guilt that never ends.
26. The end of most days is filled with exhaustion.
27. Routines help with sleeping through the night.
28. Everything is easier when you have an amazing husband.
29. Nothing matters as much to you as the well being of your child.
30. Rocking a baby to sleep is a relaxing, comfortable and safe-feeling place.
31. Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things to do and to give up.
32. It’s so fun to feed babies different foods…especially when they are as vocal as Nathanial.
33. Reading books to babies takes you back into your childhood.
34. Laundry never ends.
35. Dishes never end.
36. Contractions hurt really badly.
37. Breastfeeding may result in a temporary loss of modesty…I’m not sure who all saw my
boobs. the first 2 months of Nathanial’s life.
38. It’s exciting and a bit scary when babies can pull up.
39. Once you five birth, your heart is no longer your own.
40. I will miss Baby Nathanial when he grows into a child.

Practically Perfect in Every Way

2008-12-29T21:49:00.001-05:00

I realized that my post the other evening titled “Raw,” was perhaps a bit too raw. But, at the time, it was very, very real. I have been for the past couple of weeks extremely volatile with my emotions. I have been angry. I have been bitter. In the past days, I have lashed out at those around me. I have cried rivers and hyperventilated and crumpled into panic attacks. I know what you may be asking yourself. What happened? Episodes of panic and depression for me do not require a “cause.” They just tend to happen.

I’ve found myself feeling frustrated with my life. I have found myself questioning decisions and even whether or not God has my best interest at heart. Why, for example, was Nathanial injured at birth? He was traumatized and continues to be with every EMG. I was traumatized and continue to be every time I think about how things could have been different. It is something that has affected our entire lives. We’re carrying more debt load than we need to be or would be given different circumstances. We’re stressed financially. Quite a bit of the “quality time” we spend as a family is spent either in physical therapy or a doctor’s appointment. It’s just a bit overwhelming and I am finding myself stumbling on the “why me” block.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am extremely aware of how ridiculously blessed I am. I have a roof over my head. I am warm and fed. I snuggle up at night with a husband who loves me. And my baby’s smile, well, it takes my breath away sometimes. My life is amazing and so I feel guilty for asking why it isn’t just perfect. Just exactly the way I want it to be. This is how I struggle:

A. I want to help bring income into my home to help with the financial stress.
B. I want to be home raising my baby.
C. I want my baby’s arm to be well.
D. I want my home to be as clean as it can be most all of the time.
E. I want my husband and I to have a fulfilling relationship.
F. I want to be active in my church, but actually enjoy my church.
G. I want friends.
H. I want to laugh.
I. I want to run and to be physically fit.
J. I want my life to be perfectly and exactly how I want it to be.

I am very aware of the selfish and controlling nature of this post. I am aware that I’m not giving others a lot of room to budge nor following LAST year’s New Year’s resolution to “Let go and let God.” I want to have my cake and eat it too. Actually, I want to grow the ingredients for the cake, process them, bake the cake, clean up after baking the cake, eat it, share it with my husband and son, enjoy it and not gain any weight for eating it. I just want my life to be practically perfect in every way. Is that too much to ask for?

To Blog or Not To Blog...That is the Question

2008-12-28T21:11:00.003-05:00

I am having a hard time discerning whether or not I should continue with this blog. Let me rephrase that; I am having a hard time discerning whether or not I want to continue this blog. Here are my concerns:

My most recent post was an entirely too personal rant that I probably should not have posted. I know that several people close to me do read this blog, and I worry that they might think I'm going crazy if I continue with the emotional verbal diarrhea.
I'm not sure exactly who reads it. I know a few friends do and the occasional passerby does, but I'm not sure what level of readership I have.
I'm not sure what the world is getting out of it. Yes, in many ways, this blog is like an online diary for me, but I also intend for it to be informative and helpful for others. I'm not sure if I am accomplishing both.
I'm not sure what I am getting out of it. Like I said, I'm ranting online. This cannot be a good thing. So far, I've made 37 cents off of this blog. I'd love to make more...

But there are pros:

I get to share my life with others and it's a great way to keep friends and family posted on what is going on in my life.
It helps me digest things that are happening, especially with Nathanial and his arm situation.
I'm writing. It may only be for fifteen minutes every five to seven days, but still, I am writing. And that to me is huge.
I do get comments from people, and the feedback makes it so worth it.
I have made 37 cents!

What would I love to get out of this blog? I would like to feel like a writer. I would like to feel like I'm sharing my experiences and helping others while releasing some of my own tensions and demons. I would love to create a community of men and women that comment on the blog and on each others comments. And yes, I want to make some money off of this blog. I'm not going to lie about that fact. Who doesn't want their passion and their work to be one and the same?

As you may remember, I had a strong desire to post 100 entries by January 1st, 2009. It doesn't appear that I am going to meet that goal, but I'm not going to stress. Having written this blog, and sifting through a few of the pros and cons, I am going to continue and re-evaluate once I hit that 100 post mark. In the next couple of days, I plan on blogging about New Year's resolutions, what I've learned in the past year about myself, my husband and my sweet baby, Nathanial, and whatever pops into my head.

Be thinking. Be thinking about what you would like to read about. Fill me in. Let me know. Comment. Respond. A writer is nothing without a reader. Help me out a bit. K? K.

Raw

2008-12-23T23:24:00.003-05:00

It occurs to me that I am angry. Furious. Enraged even. Utterly pissed off. In the book, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, by Kim Edwards, one of the main characters, David, repeatedly insists "I want" in rebuke to the 23rd Psalm. (i.e. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.)

It occurs to me in all of my attempts to create within myself the perfect me, that I do want. I do feel that there are things in my life that I would so desperately want to be differently. I have tried to hard to be grateful, and I am grateful. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, hot water to bath in and cold clean water to drink.

But would I change things? You bet. I would heal my son's arm if I could. I would establish a raise for my husband that would allow me to stay home and raise my son. I would heal my brain so that I could be kinder to those around me and finally be happy in my skin.

This all hits me as I am in the midst of 5 self-help books. That is correct. 5 freakin self-help books. Time Management From The Inside Out. After all, I'm always late. Organization From The Inside Out. After all, I am a mess always. The Giving Myths. I am, after all, a self-proclaimed taker, not a giver. Practicing the Presence of God. Because right now, I'm really pissed off at Him and feel the need for a little short book to tell me how to behave in ways that will bring His presence closer to me. And finally, A New Earth. Because I'm full of damn ego and need to learn to live in the flippin moment.

The truth is, I just want to be enough for someone. Anyone. I want for one day to pass without a criticism, be it from myself or from others. I want to feel like I don't have to end every damn day exhausted. I want financial stability. Yes, I said it. Not so I can by a Lexus. Not so that I can buy a bigger house. Just so that I can stay at home and be a freakin mother to my son and make the debt go away.

I want more time. I want to be more efficient. I want to be more organized. I want to be a better wife to my husband. I want to be a quicker and better house cleaner and laundry doer. I want to be a runner. I want to be in shape. I want to have a clear head. I want to be in the moment when I am playing with my son. I want to have financial freedom. I want a different body. I want different skin. I want a different voice. I want different hair. Maybe someday. Someday I and those around me and my whole entire life will fit the image that I want.

I want the woman who ripped my child out of my womb thus injuring him to know how badly she hurt him and this whole family. I want my husband to know how sad it is when it seems like he hates his life. I want my mother and my mother-in-law to experience for one second the intense pressure they place on me to be just exactly what they want me to be and enjoy and do the things they would like for me to do. I want my mother to realize she still has two daughters and two granddaughters...not just a brand new wonderful grandson. I want my son to stop crying every time I try to put him down for a nap or to bed. I want my sons arm healed.

I want to feel rested. I want to feel peace. I want to let go of the pressure. The expectations. I want to enjoy just for one second my beautiful baby boy and my husband. I want to enjoy the blessings that I do have.

There Santa. That is my grown-up Christmas list.

Is it selfish? Perhaps. But, those are my wants. Husband, mother, sister, neice, mother-in-law, father-in-law, Dad, step-mom, friends, take back any gift you purchased for me and give me the help I need to make all or any of those things happen.

Where's Mommy?

2008-12-10T21:44:00.000-05:00

The thought of getting a full time job terrifies me. I am currently substitute teaching 2-4 days a week and cleaning my mother-in-law's house. The situation is this: I am always busy. I know Nathanial can feel it. I don't have much time to play or read or teach him things even now, only working a 21-28 hour work week.

In between work, there are always bottles, laundry and other chores that require busyness. I feel like my son gets what is left of me at the end of the day. And yet, options seem few. We are in debt. Much of it is the sum of medical expenses, including Duke visits and physical therapy. And so, I must bring in supplemental income to appease the wolf at the door. Lee has an amazing job and he works exceptionally hard to provide for Nathanial and myself. But it is still not quite enough.

So there must be income. Sigh. And, truthfully, I enjoy substituting. I enjoy being in the classroom. Does that make me bad? A bad mother?

Or, am I a worse mother and wife if I say "No, my place is in the home," thus placing all financial pressure on my husband and denying the ability to catch up much less move forward. What is my place in the home? What is my place in the home?

Apparently...I Tailgate

2008-12-08T21:35:00.002-05:00

This morning, my mother tells me not to tailgate. "Tailgating," by my definition, involves an enraged driver following a foot behind someone else. I do no do this. After discussing this with my husband, I have realized that I do follow too closely. I believe this says several things about me:

I am impatient.
I do not live in the moment.
I am too close of a follower.

Impatience is not a virtue. It is a vice and possibly a sin. I want things to happen quickly. Beyond quickly. I want things done yesterday. Because I am so impatient, I rarely exist in the moment. I am always looking to the future, trying to plan and map out the next moment. What I need to be doing next. Where I need to be next. How quickly can I get from point A to point B.

I follow close behind. I chase the car in front of me. In many ways, it is a concern of expectation, a topic I will be blogging about soon. That person in front of me is going to arrive where they are going sooner than I. Again, impatience, not living in the moment, and not practicing the presence of God.

Perhaps I am reading a bit too much into my driving habits. Or, perhaps my actions are a symptom of my current mental, emotional, and spiritual state.

So today, I am going to act the way that I want to feel.I am going to allow 2-3 car lengths between me and the car in front of me and I'm going to try to let go and let God.

Kids These Days

2008-12-03T21:55:00.004-05:00

After a few weeks of substituting, I have realized that I am no longer in Kansas anymore. School aged children, from elementary age all the way up to high school, are not like they were when I was in school. Keep in mind, I graduated high school in 2000. No, these kids are different. They have less respect for their teacher, ten times more homework and technology that, though I am a 26-year-old working adult, I still can't afford.

Picture it, a science classroom filled with bright, intellegent students working on their chemistry worksheets. All is quiet except for the sound of pencils tapping on the desks to the beat of the music flowing through their earbuds. That's right. Students with iPods, much nicer than my older iPod Nano, I might add, work along to the the beat of their music. Another snapshot: in between classes, in cafeterias, even under the desk when the teacher isn't looking, students are using their Blackberry devices (yes, I'm talking 16-year-olds with Blackberries) to update their MySpace, surf the net, and of course text.

While I am aware that school is as much a social outlet and a place for students to grow and mature in that aspect of their lives, I still think it is important that students engage in the act of learning. Yet, it seems that there is a lack of desire to learn. A lack of curiosity. A lack of wonder. That's what it is. A lack of wonder.

And they don't understand that while they are goofing off, skipping class or sneaking to the bathroom for a smoke, they are affecting their future. With their present choices they're whittling away at their future choices. It makes me sad. It makes me not want to teach. It makes me want to teach.

It makes me want to say: "Look at the opportunity you have in front of you to open your mind and fill it with all sorts of things. History. Learn the mistakes of the past so that they are not repeated. Science. See the building blocks that make up all that is in this world. English. Explore the English language and experience others through stories. Learn to communicate clearly. Math. Yes, students, you will, in one way or the other, use math again. It is a fact of life."

And they don't want to be children anymore. Especially the older high school kids. They think they are adults and have it all figured out. What they don't know is that life is tough. They are going to face a point in their lives where they have to be accountable. They are going to face having to work for a living and having to pay rent and their own cellphone bills. The level of respect they have for their teachers will not fly with employers.

But with the powers that be forcing teachers to focus more on making sure students pass tests at the end of the the year instead of actually focusing on teaching them in a memorable way so that the learning sticks, perhaps the spark has left them too.

Enough of my soapbox.

Goodnight!

Gratitude Journal Starts Today

2008-11-26T21:57:00.002-05:00

I've found myself surprisingly having moments of doubt. Doubting everything from my ability to be a good mother and wife to the very existence of God. That has been the worst feeling. The worst, worst feeling. A friend pointed out to me that all I needed to do was look at Creation to see the hand of God. And while that is very true, Creation seems so vast. And science has tried all that it can to boil life into theories and processes and after a while, one can become logical and look at the story of Christ's coming and say "This can't be real."

Do NOT get me wrong; I know that I am blessed. Abundantly blessed. Ridiculously blessed. But it took a personal blessing, a direct present, a completely random, and ridiculous need to be met. I had a dream the other night that I was back on my college campus in the midst of an overwhelming crowd. I was panicked. Chest tight. Palms sweaty. I searched the crowed for someone I knew and I saw my friend Abbie. All I wanted was to make it to her and somehow walk beside of her. Somehow, I wanted to get a hug from her. And I woke up.

Two days later, I get a phone call. It's Abbie. She's on her way South and wonders if she could stop by to visit. To her, I'm sure it was just a brief visit with an old friend, but for me, it was God sending me a hug.

I've had a lot going on in my mind and in my heart and in my life that I could have discussed at length with my friend, who is now an ordained minister. But I didnt' need to. I just needed to see her...and get a hug. I felt warm all over. He sent me an amazing gift. On top of my daily bread, a hot shower, shelter, a loving husband, a fantastic family, and other blessings, He sent me the desires of my heart - a hug from a friend.

Update Before Turkey Day

2008-11-24T11:14:00.004-05:00

This morning I took Nathanial to the doctor. I thought it was another ear infection. Excitingly, it was not. Just a head cold and some serious teething. He is currently 45 minutes into his morning nap and resting well as far as I could tell. Doctor told me to keep ibuprofen in him for the teething and to watch his fever. Yes. He has a fever.

This comes on the tail of a couple of weeks of hell for my poor baby boy. Two weeks ago, he suffered from a tummy bug, an ear infection and teething. This past week, he fell of off the changing table (Yes world, this is the 3rd time he has fallen off of something), he experienced electro-stimulation at therapy, received his flu shot and survived his second EMG.

Sigh.

They tell me with a baby it is always something. My problem is that I take things so personally and I allow my psyche to be affected by things in a very intense way. When he fell off of the changing table, I could not believe it. This is what happened: Nathanial had just had his bath. Lee was in the rocking chair in his room waiting for me to get Nathanial clothed so that he could read him a couple of books and give him his nightly bottle. I checked Nathanial's ears with this ear monitor that we spent too much money on at Wal-Mart. Then, I checked my own for effect and Lee said, "Here, check mine." I turned and put the thing in his ear and BAM! Nathanial was on the floor.

I was not even 6 inches from him and he managed to roll and fall a good 3.5 feet onto the ground. I scooped up my screaming son and held him close to me while Lee went to get ice in a washcloth to work on the swelling of the pretty good sized knots on his head. I continued to hold the washcloth to his head while Lee called the doctor.

Nathanial was pretty upset, as could be expected, but within about 5 minutes, he was playing and crawling around. His eyes dilated fine. His soft spot did not sink in. He didn't throw up or fall asleep immediately. So, we gave him his bottle and put him to bed, as the doctor recommended.

Then, I had a nervous breakdown. Perhaps it wasn't a "true" nervous breakdown, but I lost it. I went from generally mopey and quiet, to feeling like my family would be better off if I wasn't around. I cried and I cried and I cried. I had a panic attack and Lee tried to get me to breath with him. I tried. Then I cried some more.

We woke him before we went to bed and then again at 2:00 am to make sure he didn't have a concussion. He was fine, though he has a bruise on his cheek that won't go away.

I feel like I'm in need of an emotional and mental rearranging. When my son falls or has to endure painful testing, I take it personal and internalize it and make it all about me and how horrible it feels. Somehow, I have to ditch my selfishness. I have to ditch this self-absorbedness for the sake of my husband and my son, and yes, myself.

The truth is, the world does not revolve around me. When my son falls, I need to keep it together and be able to pick him up and comfort him. When my husband is stressed, I need to be there to tell him it's okay. I don't know how to adopt a servants heart.

Any help you can give would be much appreciated...

Could I Be A Morning Person? What if?!?!

2008-11-04T16:26:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure if I have posted about this or not, however, this is something that I have wanted and have been struggling with for YEARS!!!

You see, it's like this: One of the greatest struggles I have, as do most people, is that there is simply not enough time in the day. Moreover, productivity, at least for me, happens earlier in the day as opposed to later. Thus, I need to just suck it up and get up at 6:00am. It's not that early and I know some of you are thinking, good grief! I get up at 4:30!

Now, you may ask, what exactly do you think you can get done by getting up earlier? The answers are:

I can actually be to places on time.
I can throw in a load of laundry.
I can take the dishes out of the dishwasher.
I can do a quick 20 minute workout.
I can write.
I can read my Bible.

There is a million things I can be doing in that extra hour.

What is hindering me?:

I NEED at least 7 hours of sleep or I am a cranky, absent-minded looloohead that can't get anything done. Thus, I need to be in bed by 10:00 pm. Easier said than done. By the time bottles are washed, baby is bathed and put to bed, and things are in order for the next day, BOOM! It's 9:30 pm! And I am one of these people who need down time!
I have disbelief in myself. I have told myself that I can't do it. I have told myself that I am not a morning person. In many ways, I have failed myself.
The spouse doesn't necessarily want or need to be up at that time. And he's so snugglely and warm in the mornings!
Baby has been waking up for the last two weeks at 2:30 am. Don't know why! It's just sort of happening.

This is what I'm going to try to do:

Be ready for "chill time" no later than 9:00.
Be in BED by 10:00. If I can't sleep, I've got Wuthering Heights on my bedside table. That should do the trick.
Set two alarms and go immediately to the coffee pot!

Any other thoughts?

I will keep you posted!

Gotta Love Grandparents

2008-11-03T16:21:00.003-05:00

I am so thrilled that Nathanial has the grandparents that he does in his life. He has Lee's mom and dad, my mom, and my dad and stepmother. That's five grandparents! In the past two weeks, Lee's parents have shopped for him, my father and stepmom as well as my mom have all pretty much made sure that this baby will be clothed.

It comes at a great time when Lee and I are trying to figure out a way for me to work in a flexible manner that will allow me to still spend time with the baby and take of the time that I need when and if he needs surgery.

I honestly don't know what we would do if we did not have them and had to rely on daycare. Not that I have anything against daycare...it's the money issue. I would hate the feeling of working all day to pay for daycare. It would feel counterproductive.

So, right now, as we wait to see whether or not our taxes are going to be cut or our health insurance is going to be taxed, I find this to be grateful for: My son is warm, safe and fed and he has so many people around him who love him and would die for him.

Feeling Frazzled And Freaked Out

2008-10-26T21:46:00.002-04:00

As I sit watching a program on TLC on the quiverful Dugger family, I feel in one more way that I am a little less than what I should be. Who gives birth 18 times? It is not my place to say anything negative about them. God very may well have called them to this life. But does He call every one to this life? Is birth control sinful?

Man. She probably breastfed all 18 of them too...

Moving on...

I took Nathanial to the grocery store today and within 2 minutes of stepping out of the car, BAM! I got stung by a bee on my shin! It is now swollen and hot to the touch. You would think I was allergic. I'm not, that I am aware of.

What is it with laundry? I turn my back on it for, oh I don't know, a day and a half and BAM! I get stung by the laundry bee. Before I know it, Lee doesn't have white undershirts, I don't have underwear and the baby has no bibs. It's ridiculou.

Back to the Duggers...

Have you watched this show? I can't decide if they are what the world should be or somewhat cultish. I know that it's not my place to decide...but they are so different than most other families.

Did I mentioned I was frazzled?

So anyway, I'm freaked out about a lot of things.

I'm freaked out about the knot growing on my leg where I was stung.
I'm freaked out that I have been spontaneously bruising for the last several months.
I'm freaked out that I am back in real estate and even though the Lord, I do feel, has led me back into real estate, I keep feeling "I know you can, but will You?" And that's a dangerous place to be. I trust the Lord...I do. I just don't always trust that I see the good He has for me. I don't have a lot of patience, and I think that I just can't see the forest for the trees all of the time.
I'm freaked out about money.
I'm freaked out about Nathanial's arm.

I know I need to commit all of this to the Lord. I know need to let go and give it all to Him. Yikes. That's a tall order for me. I like me some control.

Well, here's to the most random, stream of conciousness post I've made.

Good night.

Bring Baby to Work Day

2008-10-22T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've been experiencing something a bit different lately: A baby on my lap while I wrote up a contract and discussed it with a client. Now, please keep in mind, this particular client had brought a baby into the office with her much earlier that day. So I guess I'm asking: Am I just a young mother trying to balance the needs of my 7 month old or am I ridiculously unprofessional and need to steer clear of bringing the baby to my office?

Normally, I do not take him when I have appointments with clients. That has only happened once. However, when I needed to make copies, check voicemail, that sort of thing, I have put a quilt down in the middle of my office floor and allowed him to play or rocked him to sleep in his carrier.

I have to admit, it is selfishly fun. I enjoy being near him, of course. I mean, he is absolutely the best baby in the entire world. And, I get to work and be around other people. For me, it's a great balance! I'm just not sure it is what is best for my baby. He has had two ear infections in the past two months and I'm scared that dragging him around may be the cause.

And again...maybe if I had breastfed longer, he would not be having ear infections...sigh...

Anyway. What do you all think? Do you think it's unprofessional?

A God Thing?

2008-10-21T21:28:00.003-04:00

I've had many interactions with people lately in responding to decision making an answered prayer as "a God thing."

I look, for example, at the insane turmoil that this election has caused me and now that I have finally voted early and have piece about it, I could easily chalk it up to a "God thing."

Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say. It's not that I believe that God is not in those things. Rather, I believe that God is in ALL things and all aspects of our lives.

I think that humans make a mistake when they assume that they need God's help and grace for decisions such as who to vote for but not what music to listen to or what to wear in the morning.

Now, obviously, there are some things that are semi-automatic on our behalves. We chew, we swallow, we breath, we brush our teeth, we wash our bodies in the shower, we turn the steering wheel, we put our foot on the break...etc. Is God in those things?

In the words of the somewhat obnoxious Sarah Palin who I so painfully voted for today "You betcha!"

God is absolutely in those things and without His strength and His grace, guess what? We couldn't even breath.

We Found It!

2008-10-21T21:26:00.000-04:00

By "we" I mean the Holy Spirit and myself and by "it" I mean...THE BRACE!
I'm back to feeling like perhaps a semi-okay mommy?!?

Does the Guilt Get Any Better?

2008-10-20T21:56:00.002-04:00

My heart hurts so much today. I feel so sad. So raw. I feel so irresponsible. I have lost Nathanial's brace. And, that wouldn't be so bad, except that I lost three braces before this one. It's ridiculous. What am I going to do when he has homework to turn in? Can he use the excuse that his lame mother lost it?

This comes with another wave of guilt that I feel shockingly over not being able to breastfeed. For the love of all things good, why do I still feel guilty over not breastfeeding??? I had only planned on breastfeeding until 6 months, thus, I would have weaned him by now anyway.

I believe the guilt comes from this: his arm is not as well as it needs to be. He still can't supinate. He still can't lift it over his head. And we stretch. And we have physical therapy every week. And I lose his braces and I can't breastfeed him to help him along. If only. If only.

So on November 7th, we have another EMG. They will stick two inch needles into my babies arm and he will look at me with anguish as if to say "Why are you letting them do this to me Mama?"

Yep. My heart hurts and I have to ask for prayers.

Blessings,
Sara

I Need Your Help to Reach My Goal!

2008-10-05T21:43:00.000-04:00

I have a goal...and it is a pretty lofty one! My goal is 100 posts by January 1st, 2009. I have posted 62. Don't get me wrong, I could write about Nathanial all day long! But, what do YOU want to read about? What do YOU want me to talk about? There are several things that I could go into more detail about:

Baby poop - hard, soft, runny...you name it
Shots!
Getting things done while taking care of baby
Safety tips

I can also keep going with "what if's" and hopefully dive back into devotionals.

I don't just want this to be an online journal. I want readership. I want people to comment and comment on other people's comments. I just need a bit of help narrowing my focus. That is where you come in! Share your thoughts with me! I'd appreciate it.

Baby Boy Update!

2008-10-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

Man is Nathanial moving around these days! He's managing to scoot his way around the floor and we can't leave him for any amount of time! His arm is getting hung underneath him once in a while, but he manages to pull it out and move on.

He is officially sitting up!!! Yay! It's like it just happened one day. One day he was wavering back and forth and needed support, the next day, he was doing it by himself. He amazes me. Every day he amazes me more.

He makes all kinds of noises! It is so cool. My mother and I sing to him all of the time, and so, we both swear it, he sings! He is going to be a music man. I just know it. How do I know it? Right now, two of his favorite things are Mommy's guitar (which does make me slightly nervous because I am afraid that the strings will snap and wack him in the eye) and a baby xylophone. Anyway, he still says "ooo, ooo" and sometimes it's just short little "oo." Then he can also say "mamamamama," "bmm, bmm, bmm," and "yayayayaya."

Oh...I just love him!

What If I Could Change...Really Change

2008-10-01T21:28:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that the tension in my household is because of me and my ridiculous reactions to petty, stupid things that at the end of the day should not matter. I twist and I turn Lee's actions, leaving his boxer shorts on the floor of the bathroom for example, into not caring about me and not showing me the love that I need. And it mounts, and it builds until I'm threatening to consult an attorney.

I've watched some pretty atrocious fights occur between my mother and my father (now divorced) and my mother and my step-father (who killed himself the day of their divorce mediation meeting). I am in know way blaming my parents for what has become of how I behave in my relationship with my husband; however, I have been steeped in it, so much so that it's almost normal to me.

But it's not normal to Lee. And it hurts him. Oh how it hurts him.

And so, my "What if..." for the next, God only knows, probably years is this: What if I could change my behavior so that I don't react to my husband so negatively, but rather I lift him up, encourage him, support him, help him and in the process glorify God? What if I could do that? What if our relationship could be completely different than what it currently is?

I believe. Can't never could do anything...

PMDD Has Passed!

2008-09-29T22:26:00.002-04:00

We survived! Lee and I, that is. We made it through the week of hormonal upset. This time, I think what we had in our favor was extreme awareness and attention that we paid to both of our actions. You could tell Lee walked on egg shells for a couple of days, but I think that even he would say it was worth it to keep the fights to a minimum.
I could definitely tell that I was on edge, but it really wasn't as bad as the previous two months. I took Pamprin and it did help some. So, I would definitely recommend that. I was EXTREMELY tired this time. Not sure what to make of that.
Anyway, that's new on that front. Nathanial is now sitting up by himself for about 15 minutes at a time! So exciting. He's still fighting sleep hard as ever, but we love him:0)

PMDD Week

2008-09-23T22:05:00.002-04:00

I am trying over the course of the next several days to chronicle my behavior, my reactions to people and the feelings that I have to try and determine if I in fact do have PMDD - premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Basically, a few days before I start, I become a homicidal suicidal maniac. I go crazy! I cry. I get angry at my husband. I hate my life. Blah, blah, blah. It's ridiculous!

So, I'm blogging about that. Hopefully I will blog every day until I start. Now, if this is too personal for some, I'm sorry. But, I feel like I need to get these feelings out there and see if I notice a significant difference.

Today, I feel pretty good. I'm on pace to be asleep by about 10:45 and that is SWEET! Although, I did just sneeze and wet the bed!

What happens to the bladder when you have a 9 lb 6 oz baby!?!?

I'll keep you posted...

Nathanial's First Ear Infection

2008-09-19T23:42:00.002-04:00

Today was interesting...

The morning started off wonderfully. Nathanial woke up about 7:30 am, took a bottle, played in the floor for a bit, cozied with his mommy in bed for a bit, at a few bites of YoBaby and then at 10:00 am went down for a nap.

Fast forward to 11:30...

He wakes up a bit fussy. I try to give him a bottle. No go. I'm thinking, well, it's close to lunch time, we'll try some food. Not working. By this time it is about 12:15. Fussiness escalates into a full wail and I know that there is something wrong. Knowing that I need to get him pacified before I start calling the doctor, I get out my arsenal:

Mylecon
Orajel
Tylenol
Little Noses Saline
An aspirator

We go through the process of sucking out the nose, numbing the gums, soothing the gassy tummy, and finally doing and overall pain reducer with the Tylenol. To no avail. He screams until his face is blotchy and wet with tears.

Finally, at around 1:45 he goes down for a nap. I start calling the doctor, not realizing they turn their phones off from 1:00-2:00. I keep calling and keep calling. Finally, at 2:15, I reach them and set up an appointment. Nathanial slept until about 2:30 in my bed, cozied up to his mommy.

When he woke up, he was in better spirits and hungry! He downed half a jar (small jar) of carrots and half a jar of pears (another small jar), as well as about 2 ounces of formula.

We went to the doctor's office which looked like it was holding an open house with all of the cars! We waited and waited and were finally called. Nathanial was weighted (19 lbs 7 oz!!!) and we waited and waited and waited some more.

Our normal doctor was behind and so we saw someone different, which was fine. I ended up really liking her. She diagnosed my little man with an ear infection in about 1 minute and prescribed that lovely pink stuff that sends me sentimentally back to elementary school.

So, Nathanial is now sleeping. We've started him on his antibiotic and pumped him full of Tylenol. We'll see how the night goes! It's hard watching your baby suffer for 2 hours straight. Ugh.

What A Day This Has Been...

2008-09-18T22:03:00.002-04:00

What a rare mood I'm in...
Why it's almost like being in love...

Anyway, this has been one crazy day.

5:30 am --> wake up, feed Nathanial, go back to sleep
7:45 am --> wake up (for real this time) eat breakfast, wake Nathanial, feed him yogurt, stretch and exercise his arm until...
8:30 am --> gentlemen come to replace HVAC unit. (It is a wonderful 72 degrees in my house!)
9:00-9:30 --> work for Elizabeth
9:30-10:00 --> clean out hall closet so gentlemen can wire in the new thermostat wire
10:15 --> start the process of trying to get Nathanial to take a nap
11:00 --> Nathanial is down for a nap
11:15 --> Start a load of laundry
11:30 --> eat a hot pocket
11:45 --> dust the office, pick up laundry and dishes from around the house
12:30 --> Feed Nathanial lunch
1:00 --> Play with Nathanial on floor
1:15 --> Place Nathanial in bouncy and clean Lee's bathroom
1:45 --> Give Nathanial a bottle and try for a nap
2:15 --> Give in on Nathanial taking a nap, put him in a secure spot on the floor surrounded by toys and take a shower
2:25 --> Find baby still in floor playing with toys. If anyone has ANY better ideas on this, please let me know. Yes, I could put him in his crib with toys and maybe that is a better idea, or even forget the shower and just stink all of the time...but, I just don't know what the best option is...
2:30 --> Put on makeup, fix hair, brush teeth
2:45 --> Play with baby on bed
3:00 --> Leave baby on bed for 2 seconds to grab my cell phone from the office (it's not even 5 feet away...I have a tiny house) and freak out when baby is in the floor wailing because he fell of the bed...I picked him up, held him close to me, rocked him, gave him a few sips of bottle, called his daddy and let him talk to his daddy on the phone and when things calmed down, called the pediatric nurse and learned the signs of a concussion. So scary...
3:00-4:00 --> freaked out about fall, loved on Nathanial and got him ready to go to his Nana's for dinner...

Where I was until about 8:00 pm...

Whew...

Okay, I'm done.

Baby Makes it ALL Better

2008-09-16T22:34:00.003-04:00

So, the past, oh, I don't 3 days have been rough. I've been sick. Lee's been sick. And, our HVAC unit is rusted into oblivion apparently. Luckily, it's much cooler today than it has been over the past couple of days.

Still, in all of the frustration of shelling out $ and sucking on Halls cough drops, I have a beautiful son who makes it all okay. Today, I was able to work from home and be with him. He was in the floor playing with his toys while I sat on the floor and worked on my laptop.

I love working from home! I love seeing him grow and change. I love rocking him to sleep when he's fighting it and he just can't stand it but his little eyes close and then he's off. I love knowing that he's just in the other room while I work. I could get used to this:0)

He had physical therapy today and it went really well. He has made tremendous progress, and the therapist sees change each time we go. Which is great! We're still nervous about surgery, but, he is progressing, and as long as he is progressing, we're status quo.

We're still having poop problems, but they are resolving themselves. I am praying that he doesn't catch what Lee and I had - snot, snot everywhere!

Well...it's late...time for bed!

Daddy Had Baby...ALL DAY!

2008-09-13T21:46:00.004-04:00

Today I spent the WHOLE DAY (we left at 6:00 am and did not get back until 7:00 pm) in Charlotte at a SendOutCards Treat Em Right Seminar. It was AMAZING! The whole day I was around people with similar goals and a passion for this company. I'm so excited about it and my gut feeling that this was a company with a genuine heart of gold was reaffirmed!

But...13 hours was a LONG time to go without seeing my baby! I missed him so much! Daddy did incredibly well. He fed him as he was supposed to, changed his diaper as he was supposed to, played with him, did some physical therapy, bathed him, and I finally got to give him a bottle this evening!

I felt so bad that I didn't get to be near him all day and now I have a cold! My throat is killing me, I can't breath through my and I'm worn slap out! I am terrified that I am going to make my baby sick as Lee was sick last week and now I have it! And of course, this is when I get super guilty and ridiculous about "Oh, if I could only breastfeed he would be protected...blah, blah, blah."

Sigh.

I am glad that Lee did get a day with the baby. He really enjoyed it while simultaneously realizing that you can't get a lot done around the house with baby boo boo now very close to crawling! It's good for Daddy's to have some time, I feel.

What do you all think?

So Close to Being Past the Poop Problem!

2008-09-10T22:26:00.002-04:00

I am so excited! We have had three poops in the past two days. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel and how much better my little pooper feels when he's going like he is supposed to. How did we do it?

Juice. Yes, he is too young for juice, but it is a healthier alternative to stool softeners and it is what the doctor recommended.
Baby yogurt. He hates the taste of it, but it has helped so much.
Leg exercises. Bicycle, bicycle go so slow. Bicycle, bicycle go so fast. Bicycle, bicycle STEP ON THE GAS!

Now we just need to figure out why he is waking up at night...as he is trying to do right now. It's 10:30 pm. He's been down since 8:30. What's that all about? Yes, he's teething. Yes, he's learning to crawl. Yes, he has gas from all of the juice and prunes. Sigh. It's hard to tell...

I Have A Voting Problem

2008-09-09T23:02:00.003-04:00

I know that the two things people are not supposed to discuss are politics and religion. On this blog, I want to dive into both. If you've read in the past, you know that I am a Christian and continue to post different comments concerning how my relationship with God has grown and changed. Now, it's on to politics!

I feel like I have no choice in this election. In my opinion, both of these men, and now running mate Sarah Palin are running around like celebrities trying to see who can get the most bumper stickers out there. I have extreme problems with both candidates and I don't know what to do.

Here are my issues:

With the McCain ticket, I feel that he has sold out. Once a moderate, McCain now is trying to appease his conservative base by promising to place justices in the Supreme Court who would overturn Roe V. Wade. I guess I now have to go briefly into my stance on abortion. It's like this: I'm a mother. I know what it is like to feel a 20-week-old fetus kick around inside of me. In my opinion, after the first 8 weeks, abortion should not be an option. I am a supporter of sex education. I believe that teenagers have sex, thus, teenagers get pregnant. They should know how to prevent pregnancy in every way. I feel that Sarah Palin's abstinence only policy may be part of the reason her own daughter is now 5 months pregnant.

Do not misunderstand me; I do NOT believe in abortion as birth control. I do, however, believe that abortion should be optional for rape victims and life of the mother incidences. I have a 14 year old niece. If she was raped, I would NOT expect her to carry the baby. Sarah Palin thinks that she should carry the child, from what I understand. What I WOULD expect her to do is to report the incident immediately, take a trip to the hospital and obtain the Morning After pill. And in regards to life of the mother instances, I believe that once we step one foot in the wrong direction, we could end up like one of those countries where women die because etopic pregnancies cannot be removed. I absolutely am against abortion after the 2nd trimester has begun except in life of mother cases.

My next question concerns Sarah Palin. It is going to sound like a criticism, but it is more of a pondering. She has a son who was born in April, approximately one month after my Nathanial, with Down Syndrome. My son was born with a birth injury that is very small potatoes compared to Down Syndrome. That being said, I work part-time so that I can see him through as much as I can. I go to PT, Duke visits, we do therapy at home. I have no doubt that Palin's son gets the care that he needs. What I wonder is: Does he get his mother? I have NO problems with women and mothers being president or vice president or what ever they want to be. But I just can't imagine diving in to such a big job when I am so needed by a little one.

On to Obama. He seems to be completely opposite. He seems to want to do nothing about the abortion issue. I think there is a balance neither party is trying to see. The real concern I have about Obama is that I do not trust his judgement on $$$. I feel like our government will grow under him and we will be looking at some serious pork barrel spending. I don't like the idea of higher taxes on top of higher gas prices! And, again, it's just getting on my nerves how both of these men are acting like rock stars. For the love! Do you want to run the country or pull a Bill and go on Saturday Night live with your flippin Saxaphone?

So, for now, I'm joining the crazies that follow good old Ron Paul and voting for someone in one of the smaller parties...

Sigh...

Change in Plans

2008-09-04T17:51:00.001-04:00

O.K. readers. I have changed my mind again! I'm taking work related topics OFF of this blog and moving it to: SendOutCardsMommy.blogspot.com. If you want to read about my efforts to stay a work from home mommy, please check out that website. This site will focus on my sweet baby boy and his mommy's dreams and ambitions.

My Motivation to Blog

2008-09-02T22:30:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to lie to you, I had visions of becoming a successful full-time blogger, essentially overnight. I know that there are people who do it. Why couldn't I be one of those people, right?

So I did an experiment. I decided to lay out my blogs with a specific message in mind in each blog: What If..., Baby Mania, Devotionals, etc. What I found was that this was just too structured for me.

This is what you are going to get when you read this blog:

Updated baby news that will probably revolve around three possible subjects: Nathanial's arm update, poop update, teething update, and crawling update. I'll of course still share products that I love. For instance, we just received from my mother-in-law a Baby Safe Feeder. You can place pieces of cold fruit or ice in this mesh bag that screws into a pacifier type holder and your baby can gnaw on cool pieces of fruit, enjoying the texture and flavor while soothing their gums!
Updated expressions from what I'm reading in the Bible. Sometimes the Spirit moves me to write; sometimes he does not. So, I'm not going to try to force it any more.
Keeping up with my dreams. I still like the "What if..." blogs. Although, I have been wondering, "What if I could just be happy with status quo for two seconds and stop asking 'What if?'"
Shameless promotion of an amazing new system that I am now an independent consultant for. Seriously, you have to try this. I am HORRIBLE at remembering things like birthdays, anniversaries, thank you notes, etc. My husband didn't even get a birthday card this last year from me! Eek! Granted, I was in labor four days before his birthday, but still. I knew what was coming. I could have planned! This system allows you to send REAL greeting cards with lick and stick stamps to whomever from the comfort of your own living room.

It's not like an e-mail greeting card. There is a satisfaction in knowing someone cares when something comes in the MAIL to you. What makes this system different is that you can pick a card or customize one, write your own message in your OWN handwriting, push a button, and boom! It's sent! And it's more personal than going to the gift card store and purchasing someone else's words while only adding a brief "Love," at the end!

Anyway, those are the topics you will be getting from here on out! I'm even going to attempt to follow the "blogging rules." I'm not going to stick to one topic or blog every 2.5 seconds. I'm going to be real. A real mom with real struggles and triumphs and questions and concerns and, whew. Okay, I'm going to bed now.

A Penny Here...A Penny There

2008-09-01T20:17:00.002-04:00

So...

Shows like Leave it to Beaver and The Donna Reed Show lead us to believe that there was actually a time when fathers brought home the bacon while mothers tended to the children, fried up that bacon and then cleaned up the mess when it was all said and done. There is no doubt that I am for women doing whatever they want to do in this lifetime. I am glad that the chains have been loosened and women can pursue their dreams.

However...

As it turns out, those shows ARE my dream. I want to be that stay at home Mommy that takes care of the kids, keeps the house orderly and has my hair done and nails painted when my husband gets home. The problems? We can't afford it. Now, before any of you think any ill thoughts about my husband, it is very important that you understand that he has a good job that brings in decent money. Nothing extravagant, but it almost pays the bills.

That almost is where I come in. I have a college degree and I do not fear hard work. However, with my baby needing physical therapy once a week, continual doctors appointments and loads upon loads of laundry, I feel like my place is at home. But then there is the groceries that need purchased. And, sadly, Lee and I are a bit spoiled! We don't want to go with out cable. We don't want to go without eating out a couple of times a week. So, I must do something to earn money.

Now, I have tried various things on the side in the past. I've been a virtual assistant. I've written keyword articles for companies. I've sold Avon. These days, I'm trying to compile several streams of income that will allow me to be with my son more hours during the week. So what am I doing?

Still working 15 hours a week as an assistant for REALTOR/National Motivational Speaker, Elizabeth Ward Small.
Cleaning my mother-in-laws house. I'm even considering picking up another house...my sister's! (If she'd have me! She's always been the cleaner of the two of us)
Still writing for a family website: www.familylobby.com
I have now become a distributor for a system that enables people to keep up communications with loved ones, and make money if they also choose to be distributors. Check it out: www.sendoutcards.com/54042

If anyone has any more ideas, I would love to hear them! I've been on so many on the work from home sites and to be honest, they scare me. I have only joined the above network marketing group because I truly believe in this product. I believe that it can be used to touch people and reach out to people in powerful way.

So anyway, I guess that I'm looking for help in this area along with Nathanial's poop problem:0)

Long Time, No Post! But this is My 50th!!!

2008-08-29T23:20:00.003-04:00

Sigh...
It's hard being a mama!
Here is a quick, precise update:

Baby:

He's teething
He's spitting up more...yum!
He's semi-crawling
He's CONSTANTLY CONSTIPATED...ANY suggestions on this would be SO helpful. We are already trying 2oz of juice per day, so that is not an option. Sigh.
No surgery is eminent. As long as he is progressing, all is well.

Work:

I have applied for a 25 hour per week position with the library system. We'll see how that goes!
Still balancing work with home life. It can be tough, but at least I'm not having to work 40 + hours per week.

Married Life:

Well, if I didn't have PMDD (http://www.understandpmdd.com), we'd be in better shape.
However...Lee has given me the best two birthday presents (only 1 month early) I think I have ever received! The Wii Fit (It kicks your behind!) and a Senseo coffee maker. Sooo good. Even though it is a little mild, I really REALLY like the coffee it makes.

What Ifs:

Still trying to run. Having to take some time off here and there for some muscle aches, most often caused by the Wii Fit.
Still trying to write. As you can see, I've fallen behind on that one. But, this IS my 50th post.
Still working on the 20 lbs. We'll see how it goes!

Still wondering if I need to stop asking "What if?" and just live in the present moment?

So Tired...

2008-08-20T22:00:00.002-04:00

I'm so tired! We had a crazy weekend. It actually started last Thursday. Nathanial had an appointment with the neurologist on Thursday, the orthopedist on Friday, and then a trip to Greenville, South Carolina to visit the Shriners on Sunday - Monday. Sandwiched in between, Lee and I decided to take a 4.1 mile hike on Saturday. Then, it was back to work on Tuesday!

Being a mom is exhausting, but wonderful. He's very close to saying Mama!

Could I Lose 20 Pounds? What if?!

2008-08-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

According to all calculations, I am considered to be obese…

Dang!!! Obese? I had no doubt that I was heavy and overweight. But, obese? You know from previous posts that I've started running. Well, perhaps "running" is a strong word. I've taken up a walk/jog routine that seems to be a good starting point. Now, Lee and I are on Weight Watchers.

I gained over 40 pounds with my pregnancy. Any surprise Nathanial was 9 lb 6 oz when he was born? No, I did not have gestational diabetes. I just packed on pregnancy weight!

Within the first 6 weeks postpartum, I dropped 30 of those pounds. My highest weight during pregnancy was 222 and I got down to 191 in about two months. I then cut sugar do to my inner ductal yeast problem and lost another 10. Then, I hovered. And hovered. Finally, I decided to try Weight Watches.

So far, it is working! Right now, my goal is to lose 20 more pounds, which would put me down to 155. I'm okay with that weight. My question is, technically, I am supposed to be around 120-135. Should I shoot for that or be content when I get down to 155? Do the numbers and statistics dictate what is healthy for everyone or should I use my own judgment? Your thoughts….

The Devil's Deceit

2008-08-17T22:35:00.002-04:00

In the book, Paradise Lost, Satan convinces himself and others that he will make a heaven out of hell. Not only does he deceive the others who have chosen to fall with him, but he also deceives himself. One of the key natures of Satan is that he is a great deceiver. Specifically, he creates in our minds a mental image of who we are and who we are not, as well as who others are and who they are not. He also boxes us in using fake limitations that ultimately do not exist. I believe that there is spiritual evil and I believe that this evil lends itself to what Eckhart Tolle describes as the "Ego" in the book A New Earth. The devil uses our thinking processes to snag us.

John 8:44 states, When he lies, he speaks according to his true nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

Satan has allowed us to believe that our existence boils down to our jobs, our hobbies, our relationships, even our beliefs. In truth, we are children of God and can commune with him through the power of the Holy Spirit anywhere at any time. We are not our job. We are not out bodies. We are not our minds. We simply ARE. God is the I AM, not the I Was or I Will We can take refuge in that. We can be still, and know that Jesus is God.

The great Liar also tells us who those around us are and are not. We boil down their essences into categories: celebrity, maid, used car salesman, black, white, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, unwed mother, orphan, Jew, Muslim, Christian, racist, hippie, pothead etc. Yes, there is, I suppose, a need for classification in order to describe people. However, it is when we DEFINE people by external forces that we bypass who they really are. This leads to superficial relationships and conversations.

This is who God says we are:

“…we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ.” Romans 8:16-17

Satan wishes also to embed our brains with fear and cowardice, convincing us often that we CAN’T. Intertwined with this belief that we cannot is the subconscious tendency that most humans have adopted to only concern themselves with things that affect them. This has paralyzed humanity into a state of doing nothing. Not only do we fear, but we also do not care as long as ourselves or those closest to us are not affected. We have, in short, a NIMBY “Not In My Back Yard” mentality.

God does not want us to be incapacitated by fear or numbed to suffering around us because we remain unscathed. God tells us in the Bible to be strong, take courage and do the work. He also says not to fear for he has redeemed us. He has called us by name, and we are his. In addition, we are to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, all of our souls and all of our minds and love our neighbors as ourselves.

It is hard not to be caught up in our thoughts and it can be even harder to pick out when the voice inside our heads is the Devil himself trying to steer us from the truth.

What if Update!

2008-08-12T22:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, I've written 3 different What If blogs and would like to take a minute and update you on where I am at with my What Ifs?

On Running...

I still would not classify myself as a runner. I did go out and by myself a $95 pair of shoes because I thought it was a necessity. And, they do help with the placement of my feet which helps my ankles and shins. I'm only going out one to three times a week. This bothers me because I know I need to be going out at least two times a week. But, babies are exhausting! As is work, and cleaning the house, and dealing with my husband! When I do make myself run, I typically warm up for 5 minutes, stretch, and then run walk for 30 minutes and then cool down for 5 to 10 minutes. I haven't spent too much time reading my copy of the Beginning Runner's Handbook. How does this relate to being a mother? Well, I guess in two ways:

I do understand, believe it or not, why Jennifer Lopez felt wanted to run a marathon for her babies to be proud of her. Now, it may be that she just really needed to lose the baby weight for her career, but, I can see where she is coming from. I want Nathanial to see me do something that (as those of you who remember me from high school) is not really in me to do.
I want Nathanial to see his mother physically active.

Any advice?I'm ALREADY finding myself wimping out.

On Writing...

Well, I am blogging! I also occasionally write for a website and get paid $10 per article! Hey, it's something, right? I'm also investigating both short story and poetry writing contests. Writing is not like running for me. I have a genuine love for writing, but sometimes, I feel like it doesn't love me back! I can't tell if I'm actually GOOD at it. I will keep trying. I do want my baby to understand what it means to follow your dreams.

On 5 Minute Showers...

Yeah...well. I'm still between 10 and 15 minutes. Shaving the legs takes time!

A New Earth and Mary Vs. Martha

2008-08-10T21:58:00.003-04:00

I am reading the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's one of Oprah's new big things that she can't stop talking about. After having a freak-out moment when I thought that Eckhart and Oprah herself were the combined Anti-Christ, I've calmed down and let myself be a bit more open to the book. It is in no way replacing the Bible for me, but it's giving me more insight into my spirit, that is, into my inner I Am.

What does that mean? Well, for me, the best Biblical story to relate it to is Mary and Martha. In short, Martha runs around doing this, doing that and truly busying herself. Mary, on the other hand, sat at Jesus' feet, just taking Him in. To me, this relates not only to being physically busy, but also mentally busy. That is what in many ways A New Earth is about. Tolle describes the compulsive thinking that humans, especially Americans (Tolle does not say that, I say that) are addicted to. We are rarely silent in our minds. There is constantly noise. Constant planning. Constantly being bombarded with concerns about yesterday and worries about tomorrow.

I think the Bible speaks a lot about this same issue. Be still and know that I Am God. Mary vs. Martha. Consider the lilies of the fields. They do not worry about tomorrow. They just are. I feel a strong need to replace the inner noise that plagues me with peace, quietness, presence. Just to BE. What does that have to do with my baby or me being a mom? Well, really, everything. This world is so hectic and crazy. Not sometimes. All of the time. I want Nathanial to experience the bliss of just being present. What do you think?

Teething, Pooping and Rolling, Oh My!

2008-08-09T21:44:00.002-04:00

Oh the wonderful things Nathanial Reid Can do!

He can roll on his belly

He can laugh he can coo.

His face turns red when he toots,

When he poops, and he sucks his fingers

When a paci won't suit!

Okay, for those of you who don't know, that was a brief homage to my new favorite children's book, Dr. Seuss's Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You? Today, I'd just like to update you on what is going on with Mr. Nathanial and the things I've learned about teething, pooping, and rolling over!

Teething

Sigh. We don't know what to do. We are not even sure if he is teething. This is what we do know:

He's drooling.

He's chewing on EVERYTHING.

He has two slightly swollen places on his bottom gum.

He's been waking up at 1:30 am and 4:30 am unless we give him Tylenol before bed.

The nurse says it's too early for him to be teething. Any ideas? Anyone?

Pooping

I think we are STARTING to get the poop problem under control. It takes pears, prunes, juice and the switch from rice cereal to oatmeal to get it done, but we now have at least one BM a day! He is a MUCH happier baby than he was when he was constipated.

Rolling

He's rolling over and wanting so badly to figure out how to crawl, but he's not quite there yet! He can now roll and get both of his arms out from in under himself. He places most of his weight on his arm that is affected with Erb's Palsy and then explores with his left hand.

One last thing. The foods Nathanial LOVES:

Carrots

Squash

Green Beans

Pears

The foods he HATES:

Peas

Peaches

A Five Minute Shower? What If...

2008-08-04T21:30:00.003-04:00

So lately I have been questioning: What if I could take a five minute shower? This may seem pointless and petty, however, I discovered at an amazing website that showed me just how much water I use per day:

http://ga2.er.usgs.gov/edu/sq3action.cfm

I use 118.48 gallons of water per day! HOLY COW! I didn't realize just how much water I use each day. Now, that 118.48 gallons is spread out over a shower, hand washings, face washings dishes, etc. But, that DOESN'T include plant watering or baby bathing!

So why a five minute shower? According to Water - Use it Wisely:

"Time your shower to keep it under 5 minutes. You'll save up to 1000 gallons a month."
(http://www.wateruseitwisely.com/100ways/se.shtml)

1,000 gallons a month! I guess it hits me because I feel so blessed to have access to hot and cold clean water. Sometimes it makes me sad when I think of people who don't have access to it, and thus, it makes me want to conserve. More than anything, I want to teach my baby how to conserve water. I don't know how to start, but I think it should start with bath time. He currently takes a bath in a bathtub in the sink with water constantly running. The idea is that the dirty water flows out and clean water flows in. What in the world? Is it really necessary?

So, I think I'm going to start there. I'm also going to work on my own five minute showers. What do you all think? Am I being extreme?

Lead Me Beside Still Waters

2008-08-03T21:07:00.002-04:00

You know, the 23rd Psalm is so often quoted and so often memorized that its significance is almost looked over among the Christian community, yet there is so much in that verse that reflects the nature of Jesus and God's love for his children. For me, after the week my husband and I have had, it revolves around rest.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

I'm finding myself growing more and more like Mary these days, busying myself with tasks and chores and setting goals for myself that I haven't done a whole lot of just sitting at Jesus' feet. I think that as a mother, especially a first time mother, there is a need to prove oneself. For me, I want to be it all in a way. I want to be the stay at home mom that puts my son first, but I also want to contribute to the family income and I also want to pursue my personal passions such as writing and now my attempt to become a runner. Sometimes it feels like I am burning my candle at both ends and I'm too tired to rest. This weekend, for example, I feel like I didn't get rested. Sure, I got good sleep, but I didn't rest. I dreamt crazy things!

So I need to turn my attention to that aspect of Jesus and allow him to make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside still waters to restore my soul. I need to remember that ALL of what I do: mothering, working, wifely duties, hobbies, ALL things are only important in how they glorify God, and I am well on the verge of making myself too crazy for them to glorify Him.

I'm reminded to let it fade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kevRF6nvfLs

How do you all stay sane?

Why I Love My Hair Stylest

2008-08-02T21:47:00.004-04:00

My last hair appointment was February 9th. Needless to say, I was DUE a hair cut. Now, don't get me wrong, she does a great job cutting hair, but that's not why I love her. I love her because she is close to my age, has an 18 month old and knows EXACTLY what I've been through as a new mother. It was so good to talk with someone who went through similar things. Here is what we have in common:

We both had labor complications. She had to have an emergency C-section and had a violent reaction to the spinal. I had two labor and delivery nurses on my pelvis pushing down trying to get Nathanial out.
We both had postpartum depression and felt like complete failures as mothers.
We both had problems breastfeeding. I kept getting infections and her milk never came in.
She's taking classes to become a nurse and I have thought about nursing school. Both of us have approached it due to how the nurses in the hospital took care of us.

It was so refreshing to speak with someone who understood me and didn't pass judgement. Not that I feel judgement from other people, but when someone has BEEN there, it's just different. It was such a nice hour, I would have paid just to talk to her! The best part is, she's dang good at cutting hair. It was a good morning...

Blessings of the Day

2008-08-01T22:03:00.001-04:00

Today I am thankful for:

The weekend!
Hot and cold clean running water.
A burst of creative energy

Baby Update: 4 Month Doctor's Appointment!

2008-08-01T21:45:00.003-04:00

So we went to see the pediatrician (who, by the way was in a wheelchair after saving orphans out of a burning building, or playing soccer...one of the two). Nathanial now weighs 17lbs 6 oz and is 27 inches long!!! He's going to be able to take out other babies really soon! The doc was impressed with his growth and overall development. For example, he is now:

rolling over
grasping things in his hands, which typically go directy to his mouth
great head control
babbling like crazy!

I was able to provide the pediatrician with the MRI and EMG report. He definitely agreed with neurosurgeon to hold off a bit on surgery. I'm excited about that. He did say that some babies would have already had a fully functioning arm by now with a brachial plexus injury. But, everyone seems hopeful.

We are also trying a few more things for the poopy problem. We are switching from rice cereal to oatmeal, and tonight, we tried prunes. Yes, prunes. We will see what happens tomorrow.

Nathanial also received his 4 month shots and this batch did not go as well as the 2 month batch. He's been more sore, with bigger lumps in his legs and much more irratable. We've been utilizing baby Tylenol and warm blankets. Hopefully, he'll feel better tomorrow.

Blessings

2008-07-31T21:50:00.001-04:00

I am behind again! Okay, updated blessings:

Neurosurgeon is not ready to talk about surgery in regards to Nathanial's arm. This is very exciting as I just wasn't ready to assign my baby over to surgery after surgery.
We sold out big huge ugly tv!
Gas prices dropped!

What If...I Could Be a Writer!?!?

2008-07-28T21:39:00.000-04:00

This is always a hard topic for me to discuss with people. The fact is, I love to write. Hence the blog. The problem: I feel like I NEVER have time, especially to work on creative writing pieces, which is what I really enjoy. When I say, "What if I could be a writer?" what I am really asking is "What if I could get paid to do this?"

Now, I feel like I need to give you a little bit of background. I have tried this before. There is no doubt that I have spent hours and hours working on writing keyword content articles for a measly $2.00/article. I didn't know this at the time, but it was very lame! I realize now that I need to be searching for more quality markets and spending more time working on my pieces.

Surprisingly, having a baby has not made me want to put writing aside. In fact, having a baby has made me want to pursue this dream/goal even harder. Why? Well, I'm not really sure. On the one hand, I really want my son to know that you can have dreams in life and pursue them with and hard work. It may not turn out as you want it to, but at least you have given it your all. For example, I may never make another dime from writing again and I may never be highly acclaimed for my work, but I'm writing. Every day I make a post on this blog, I'm at least writing.

The other reason I want to write is that I have SO much to say. I have a wealth of story ideas floating around in this brain of mine. I've never really understood writer's block for this very reason. I want to share these stories with others; however, I have a bit of a delimma. I've recently become reaquainted with my faith in Jesus. Many of my stories do not reflect this. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to write stories that are overtly "Christian" that only Christians can relate to. The ultimate goal is to write to glorify God. Not sure at this point how to do that. New motherhood has also given me a whole new mess of things to write about. I have baby on the brain!

My previous "What If" post involved running. I busted out and purchased a "Beginning Runners Handbook." What do you think I should do to pursue this goal? Should I base goals on word count or page count? Should i just try to write when I feel like it or when I can? What do you think? How do you work toward your goal?

Today's Blessings...

2008-07-28T20:47:00.001-04:00

...include:

A good solid day at work.
Good baby time.
It's time for bed!

Does God "Think" The Way We Do?

2008-07-27T21:29:00.002-04:00

My pastor at Alamance Lutheran Church (www.alamancelutheran.org) has made many good points in his sermons lately, pointing out things to me that I have never thought of. For example, today he talked about the parable of the mustard seed. For those of you unfamiliar with the parable, it goes something like this:

He said therefore, "What is the kingdom of God like? And to what shall I compare it? It is like a mustard seed that someone took and sowed in the garden; it grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air made nests in its branches."

Pastor pointed out that God did not use a tree that humans would define has grand, like the cedars of Lebanon. Instead, he chose to compare the kingdom of heaven to a bush. A simple, four foot tall bush that was often considered insignificant.

My goal in this post is not to decipher exactly what Jesus meant by using this parable, but rather to establish other pieces of Scripture in which God seems to have a different approach toward things than we humans do. Another example? Consider the parable of the lost sheep. "Which of you men, if you had one hundred sheep, and lost one of them, wouldn’t leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one that was lost, until he found it? When he has found it, he carries it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Now, does it make any common sense to you for a shepherd to leave 99 sheep to search after just one? Of course not! But that is the way God works.

Another example is the parable of the sower. This one really hit me when my Pastor took a new approach on the parable. Often, the focus on this parable is on the seeds and the soil, but instead he focused on the sower. Typically, farmers are meticulous in how they tend their soil. They throw out the rocks. Till up the weeds and plant seeds a very specific depth. In this parable, it seems as though the sower is just sort of tossing seed around, and one could consider wasting the seed. But Pastor reminded us that there are all types and we shouldn't be so quick to assume we are wheat and not weeds. Regardless, this is just another example of how Gods paradigm is vastly different from our own.

What does this all mean? I don't know. Don't claim to even try. What I do know is that we are often so wrapped up in our minds and in "figuring things out" that we fail to appreciate a God who breathed life into the universe, walked on water, and saves souls every day.

Baby Mania And Today's Blessings

2008-07-26T21:25:00.003-04:00

We went today to see Batman: The Dark Knight. Such an excellent movie! Yes, it was unbelievably violent and in my oh so personal opinion, they should NOT be advertising the movie on a Cheerios box! That being said, Heath Ledger was amazing as Joker. I have never seen such a depiction of this character. He was creepy, soulless, but occasionally pretty darn hilarious. I can't imagine anyone else playing this part. This movie was worth going to the movie theater to see, which is something I DO NOT say about both movies. The blessing of the day was getting my house clean with my husband's help and getting to get out for an afternoon and do something a bit different.

Now on a baby update: We've heard from the Shriners! We were a little stunned to hear so soon, but they have us an appointment set up which we are going to try to get pushed back one week due to scheduling conflicts. We have several appointments for Nathanial before and it is a bit overwhelming! We're not sure what is going to happen with his brachial plexus injury. We had therapy this past week, which he always enjoys. I think he thinks it's forty five minutes of pure play time! The therapist doesn't seem to think that he wil require surgery. I so hope that she is right! We'll see. Keep praying!

I thought I'd mention a few more baby products in this blog. I'm really enjoying our high chair! We had no idea what we were doing when we were picking it out, but it turns out, we picked out a good one!

http://www.evenflo.com/Homepage/ProductList/tabid/203/Default.aspx?productid=3c7ad3ad-8f1d-4d6a-a4ba-911062fba30c

It is highly adjustable which makes it very comfortable for Nathanial (as far as I can tell) and it's very simple. There's not a lot going on, which, when babies are first learning to eat solid foods, is a good thing! Another good thing to have around when babies start learning to eat solid foods is PRUNE JUICE! We don't give Nathanial much as he is much too young to drink large amounts of juice. But, he does get two half ounce servings to keep his little bowels greased up. Otherwise, we have big poopie problems!

This is it for now! More later!

Behind on my Blessingss!!!

2008-07-25T12:27:00.002-04:00

Oh no! My daily posting of blessings has fallen by the wayside! So, here are the things I have been thankful for over the last three days:

Restful nights of sleep! One night, I dreamt of a river. It was the most peaceful, relaxing dream I've ever had and I couldn't help but think of Psalm 23 "He leads me beside still waters."
My husband, Lee. Things have just been really good with us lately. I love him!
I'm thankful that my mom and Lee's parents are able to due baby daycare for us for right now! It's nice having them for so many reasons and I'm so thankful.
Nathanial's physical therapist. She's great and she does a great job with him.
Hot and cold clean running water.

So this week, I have made some headway on cleaning the house and so we don't have too much to do tomorrow. Woohoo! We are dropping the baby off with someone, we don't know who yet, and going to see Batman: The Dark Knight. I'm excited! So, yeah, things are looking good for the weekend. We're supposed to get rain too. WOOHOO!

Today I am Thankful...

2008-07-22T21:16:00.002-04:00

Honestly...that the day is over...
I'm trying to look on the bright side of life and focus on blessings, but to be honest with you, today was kind of stinky. My dentist didn't numb me well enough and liked to killed me when drilling. Then, my sister really hurt my feelings when she and my mother went to a movie that she had originally asked me to go to. I don't mind that she went with my mother, but I mind that they both went with out me. I know it's stupid, but I just feel like no one wants to do fun things with me. Maybe I'm just not fun?
And, I've been having bad dreams. Crazy dreams. Nightmares about Nathanial. To make long dreams really short: I dreamt that as a teenager, Nathanial hated me and blamed me for his arm. Then, I dreamt that the Devil was attacking my baby and my home in general. I hate dreams like that.
I know that perception is reality and I know that today was not a "bad" day. I know that I am still overwhelmingly blessed. So, I still feel the need to count a few of my blessing:

My employer who is hard to keep up with in a wonderful ways!
My husband, who puts up with my bad moods.
My cutie boo-boo bear.
Clean hot and cold water (That's a big one with me, if you haven't noticed. It will Always be on the list because it's something I don't ever want to take for granted and something I know many others don't have.)

Baby Mania Take 1

2008-07-21T23:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, this is the first of my posts that I'm going to try and do weekly called 'Baby Mania!' In these posts I'd like to both update you on Nathanial and what all he is up to these days and to share some advice and products we use all of the time.

Nathanial is doing well. As I mentioned in my Blessings post, he's had a poo today so he is good! He's figured out that he can roll over, but he hasn't figured out how to roll himself back over onto his back again! Lee freaks out at night because we often find him rolled over on his belly in his crib.

Which leads me to my first product recommendation: Breathable Baby blankets and bumpers. The bumpers are breathable but allow for there to be a barrier that will keep your baby's limbs from hanging out of the crib. Also, the blankets can be folded upon themselves several times and you can still breath through them! Visit http://www.breathablebaby.com/

Back to Nathanial! He's onto solid foods - only a few spoonfuls of vegetables at lunch and some rice cereal in the evenings. He likes green beans and apples the best. He can't decide about sweet potatoes. I didn't like them until I was 23. Now I eat at least one a week!

In regards to his arm, as you know he suffered a brachial plexus injury and now has what is called "Erb's Palsy." We heard back briefly concerning the MRI and it looks like a partial avulsion from the spine. We're being referred to the neurosurgeon, so I believe surgery may be recommended. We are still hopeful that surgery is not required. Keep that in your prayers!

Toys that Nathanial is enjoying these days are the Lamaze Chime Garden and the Fisher Price Rainforest Jumperoo. We love the Chime Garden and the only problem we have with the Jumperoo is that it can be difficult to get him in it. Once in, he jumps around like crazy though! Here are some links:

http://www.learningcurve.com/product/detail/LC27205?locale=en_US

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?e=product&pid=38839&st=2002

Oh, and we're pretty sure he is starting to teethe!

Today I am Thankful For...

2008-07-21T21:29:00.003-04:00

My sweet baby's smile.
My loving husband who I spent lots of time laughing with over the weekend.
Ibuprofen...my knee hurts?
Hot and cold clean water.

My First Attempt at a Devotional

2008-07-20T17:50:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I've never actually tried to piece together Scripture and something that I feel God doing in my life together in a post or in any other format. So, bear with me, forgive me if I don't make sense.
Something that I have realized through Scripture and through the Spirit and through church services and through my own experiences is that I have one purpose for living: for every thing that I say and do to be glorifying to God. Now, obviously, that is a pretty tall order for a human. And, it can really never be accomplished, I don't think. To believe that it could be done, in my opinion, would be to believe that we could be perfect, which is an impossibility. Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." When we fall short, enters Grace...
Anyway, back to what I was originally saying. I have realized that I am only a mother in how the rearing of my son points back to God and to Jesus. I am only a wife so that the relationship I have with my husband is glorifying to God. I have realized that everything else in life is meaningless. All of the hats that I wear are only important in how I can show others Gods love. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes that all is vain and there is nothing new under the sun. All that we busy our lives with is vain except that HOW we live our lives is a reflection of our beliefs. So I've realized, it is not the what, but the HOW. It's not what job I am working at, but how I do it.
In my own life, I have realized that I have lived completely opposite of this because I have lived self-focused, self-centered, self-concerned and just plain SELFISH. I have been a big taker and a minimal giver. I have put myself before others, even before my husband. When making decisions or pondering things I tend to worry about how the decision will affect me instead of others. In arguements, I worry about how the other person is making me feel instead of trying to understand where they are coming from.
I have realized that the only goodness within me comes from God and it is only through Him that I can truly love. I want badly now for my actions and my words to be reflections of that love and not the self-centeredness that is my normal state. I'm not sure what this looks like. What I do know is that I already feel forces pulling me away. Distractions. Exhaustion. I want to be a giver, not a taker anymore. But it's hard.
Any thoughts?

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings

2008-07-20T17:10:00.002-04:00

I've been a bad girl! My desire to blog blessings every day has been thwarted by none other than pure exhaustion!But, with baby in his Jumperoo for a few minutes, I'll recap:

I am thankful that my baby boy had a poo. I know that sounds a little silly, a little superficial, and a little petty, but when he is constipated, he is so unhappy and in pain. So I'm very thankful he feels good now!
I'm thankful for a restful weekend! We did have to go to the grocery store and Lee mowed the grass and I did some laundry, but over all, a very peaceful weekend.
A roof over my head, food in my families' belly, and clean hot and cold running water!

Blessing 7/16/2008

2008-07-16T22:06:00.002-04:00

I skipped a day! Oh no! Yesterday was SOOO busy! So busy in fact, that Lee and I are taking the weekend OFF! We are not dealing with parents, we are not dealing with yard work, we are not cleaning the house. We are just loving on our baby and watching movies and playing Wii and reading and doing whatever we want. And THAT is what I am thankful for. A productive week so that we can enjoy a NOT so productive weekend!

What If...I Could Become a Runner!

2008-07-14T21:41:00.003-04:00

Even before I had my baby, I have had this secret crazy desire to take up running. Since the baby, it almost seems like the Holy Spirit Himself wants me to run. To write and to run. These things have been brewing in my head for quite some time now. So, I'm writing this blog. And, I'm running. Or at least, I am trying to run.

Now, I am not good running material. I have excess weight (and no, I don't mean baby weight), I have very short legs and poor posture.

But...

The one thing having a baby has done for me (aside from giving me a beautiful bundle of joy) has been to up my confidence level in certain ways. Each time I go out to run, I tell myself, "If I can handle 18 hours of labor, three hours of which were spent pushing, I can manage to run for 3 more minutes."

I have no idea what I am doing. I'm going to Fleet Feet sometime this week and try to get a good pair of running shoes. I also bought a book for beginning runners. What I have been doing so far consists of a 5 minute warm up walk, then about 10 minutes of running and walking and then a 5 minute cool down. Obviously, I have a ways to go. I'm still pushing it to make a 14 minute mile!

What I can't decide is whether or not I should set any goals upon myself. On the one hand, I like going into things with no expectations placed on myself. On the other hand, I think it is good to set goals, just realistic ones. For example, I know I'm not going to be up for the Boston marathon this month. Or this year for that matter.

What do you think? Should I spell out a running goal for myself? And how do I keep from getting worn out and frustrated when my shins hurt and my calves ache? Tell me your thoughts.

Blessing 7/14/2008

2008-07-14T21:38:00.003-04:00

It's Nathanial's 4 month birthday! Sometimes it seems like only yesterday he was kicking me in the ribs! He is so sweet and such a blessing. I'm so thankful he is here and alive and healthy and happy! The Erb's Palsy is slowly but surely getting better. The more he develops, the more he wants to use it. It's wonderful to see how strong he is!

Blessing for 7/13/2008

2008-07-13T21:51:00.002-04:00

Over the past two days, Lee and I (with the help of my two wonderful neices) accomplished SOO much. I got the house clean, he mowed the yard and pressure washed the deck. Then we both stained the deck. Where is the blessing? Finally getting to call it quits and REST! Good night!

New Blog Structure

2008-07-13T21:42:00.004-04:00

I've decided to create an actual structure to this blog. I've thought about doing this without telling you, but I think it's important that readers know what I'm doing and why I am doing it. What I would like to do is this:

Daily Blessings - Short, one or two sentence posts about where I saw God that day.
Baby Mania - After all, the name of the blog is SaraBlogsBaby
Sunday, Sunday - A weekly devotional in which I reflect on what a specific Bible passage has meant to me during the week.
What If - During one of my hypnosis sessions, my therapist embedded in me an urge to ask the question "What If?" What if my life could be completely opposite of what it currently is? I don't mean me single, childless, homeless, jobless, etc. I mean, what if I could go through life without fear? What if could take charge of my physical fitness and those dreams that have floated around in my brain for oh so long? These will be my ponderings on those things and how those "What ifs" relate to parenthood and marriage.

I hope that you enjoy reading these blog posts. There will almost certainly be days that I miss but I would like to do four posts a week in addition to the daily blessings. We'll see what happens!

Erb's Palsy MRI Update

2008-07-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

As I've mentioned before, Nathanial has Erb's Palsy, a condition caused by shoulder dystocia which is essentially when a baby becomes stuck and lodged in the birth canal causing trauma when delivered.

Whew.

Anyway, yesterday we had an MRI done. Lee and I were so very nervous. We were nervous about the fact that he wouldn't get to eat 6 hours before. We were nervous about what the MRI would find. But mostly, we were nervous - let's say terrified - about sedation. Why? Well there are risks whenever sleep is drug induced and this is a baby we're talking about!

The night before we kept him up as long as possible and fed him at 10:00 pm. We then woke him up at 4:00 am to give him a bottle of clear Pedialyte with a bit of water and juice so that he would have something on his stomach first thing in the morning. We woke up at about 5:30 am, got ourselves ready, and put Nathanial, still in jammies and a wet diaper, into his baby carrier.

We arrived at the hospital when we were told 7:00 am. Nathanial was still sleeping in his carrier, peacefully, wonderfully. We then waited almost an hour (our appointment was at 8:00) and were finally called. He slept for a bit longer and then woke up with NO idea where he was. He was so confused, but pretty much content. The nurse weighed Nathanial, I changed his diaper, and we waited until a machine was available.

When it was time for the sedative, I was nervous. What if my baby was that 1 in however many babies that had a problem with the sedation? I was thankful that it was oral - though it tasted horrible and made him really mad, especially as he was now incredibly hungry! He didn't cry too badly, but he did fuss. After about 10 minutes of rocking, he was out.

I'm not going to tell you that it was easy watching them put my little tiny baby in a big, BIG machine. They did put little ear plugs in his ears and padded them well so that he would not stir. We stayed in the room with him and listened as the machine made crazy noises. It lasted what seemed like forever. I read a magazine on running while Lee read one on home improvement. Then I read a parenting magazine. Then People's In Style magazine. Finally, the nurse and the tech came in and said "We're finished. We got what we need!"

It was over. He woke up fairly easily and we fed him his bottle, which he was desperate for. We then were discharged, stopped for some lunch, and got the little guy home. We took a brief nap and Lee went on to work. The day progressed with many long naps and one night interuption. Overall, the day went well. We'll hear soon about the results.

Erb's Palsy Report

2008-07-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

Something that I haven't blogged much about is Erb's Palsy. I think this is because when I look at my baby I don't see his injury all of the time anymore. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect our lives every day. How so? At least two or three times a day, we must complete range of motion exercises on little man's arm. He doesn't mind them, but sometimes he loses a bit of patience. We also have to restrain his left arm (his good arm) while we work with his right arm so that he is less likely to compensate with that arm.

On July 9th, we have an MRI. I'm nervous for two reasons:

I worry about having him sedated. I know that seems silly, but I just don't know. It makes me nervous.
Of course I also am scared of what they may find. What if he does need surgery?

I have to remind myself every second of every minute of every day to LET GO and LET GOD. We see improvement every day. He's even started to use his biceps a bit. It's amazing and I'm so proud of him and so thankful to God for how He's helped Nathanial grow strong.

Please keep us in your prayers and I'll keep you posted!

Happy Fourth!

2008-07-04T22:13:00.000-04:00

Today was AWESOME! We slept in. Had breakfast with Lee's parents. (I am very glad my mother-in-law is back from her cruise. I missed her. I usually call her with random pieces of information or random questions and she shows genuine interest...I like that.) We then got ourselves and our baby ready and headed to my uncle's house. There was a lot of family waiting for us from Ohio, West Virginia, and of course, the locals! Nieces and aunts and uncles and my sister my Mama. It was great!

So what did we do? Well, we enjoyed the babies. Little Nathanial was eaten up by the people who had never seen him before. And, Lee and I enjoyed visiting with my cousins baby who is 10.5 months old and adorable! We of course ate and ate and ate! I LOVE family-get-together food. It is the best. There were the obvious 4th foods: hamburgers, hot dogs and barbecue chicken. My favorite items:

My aunt's corn bread salad. SOO good. Corn bread, tomatoes, corn, beans, cheese, ranch dressing. ALL kinds of good stuff.
Corn roasted on the grill.
Hot dog wiener - BURNT. Love that.
My sister's baked beans. Well, technically my niece made it, but it's my sister's recipe.
Deviled eggs.
Green beans

Yes, needless to say, I was so full I thought I would BUST. After we ate, we gamed. Some tossed horseshoes while I attempted three rounds of croquet. I STINK at croquet. During the second round, I gave up any hopes of winning and just started knocking people around for fun. In between we loved on baby, fed and enjoyed him. Had good conversation. It was just an over all great day.

Being with my family recharges me. It's like my soul is refilled. I'm so blessed to have a family full of lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Everytime I'm with them, I feel at home. I think I would love to have lots of babies. By that I mean, perhaps give birth one more time and then adopt. We'll wait and see what this economy does first!

Travelling with a 3 Month Old

2008-07-04T10:37:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have now had two road trips with Nathanial, now 3.5 months old. Keep in mind, the longest trip was about 4 hours! I'm sure that my advice would be a little different for people going from New York to Florida! Here are the things I recommend you take with you regardless of how long your stay:

Obviously, bottles, baby food or rice cereal if you use it, formula, wipes, clothes and diapers.
Nursery water. I use plain old filtered water out of the fridge when at home but when I'm away and I'm not sure of the water source, I like having a bottle of nursery water on hand. Also, it stays at room temperature and you can just mix formula without warming.
A portable crib like a Graco Pack n Play.
A way to sterilize bottles -- either a steam microwave sterilizer or Medela's sterilizing bags. We also took our bottle brush.
Take layered clothing. Perhaps it's hot outside and then freezing in restaurants.
A stroller.
A large and a small diaper bag.
Bath supplies including tub! I just get itchy when I think about putting my baby down in a hotel tub. I know that's crazy, but it's true. Also, baby really prefers it! I also take travel size head to toe wash and lotion.
Recieving blankets and a big tummy time blanket!
Toys!
A baby carrier such as a Baby Bjorn.
Did I mention several pairs of clothes? In case they pee, poo, vomit, or just drool...
And, anything else that brings your baby comfort!
If you are breastfeeding, you don't have to worry about bottles, sterilizers, formula, etc. Just bring you!

Well, I hope this helps. Have a great summer with lots of fun vacations!

Our Daily Routine

2008-07-02T22:09:00.000-04:00

We're finally starting to estabish good habits! Nathanial normally gets up to eat somewhere between 5:30-6:3o and then goes back to bed and sleeps until close to 8:00. I want to just kiss his face every morning after an evening of at least 6 hours of sleep! After Lee and I get ready, we get him ready, drop him off at either Lee's parents' or my mother's house. Obviously, I have only a little control of the schedule he keeps at their house, but, he stays pretty on track. Eating every 2.5-3 hours and taking a nap or two. Then, he gets home, takes a bottle, we play and stretch and do our exercises. Lee and I have dinner then we give him his rice cereal which he may or may not have anything to do with. Little pumpkin then takes a bath, has another bottle, and it's lights out!

A bit boring, I know, but that is what we do every day!

A New Pet Peeve - Restaurants that Are NOT Baby Friendly!

2008-07-01T22:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know that it can be a pain to sit beside of a screaming baby while you try to eat a lovely dinner. Still, I am appalled by the number of restaurants that lack baby changing tables. My husband and I don't eat out often, but when we do, we want to have a good, enjoyable time. And we want to share the experience with our baby. We do not let him scream and scream. We are polite and we take our baby out of the restaurant if he gets out of control.

What restaurants say to me when they do not have a changing table in, at the very least, the ladies restroom, is that my baby isn't welcome. We are a family with a baby. If our baby isn't welcome, we are not welcome. I have experienced this two times in the past week: once at a local seafood restaurant, and Bistro 1896 in Asheville. My husband had to take my son to the car to change his diaper at the seafood place and I had to lay him on the counter top in the ladies' restroom at Bistro 1896.

To restaurant owners: Is it not in your best interest to create a welcoming environment for ALL people? There is a wave of 20 and 30 somethings having babies and this group wants to include their babies in pastimes previously enjoyed. It's an easy fix. Put up a changing table in your handicap accessible bathroom. They can be purchased for less than $200.00.

Be nice. Just do it!

Surviving Postpartum Depression

2008-07-01T04:00:00.000-04:00

I love my baby with all of my heart, but it wasn't until recently that I truly fell in love with my baby. Now, I know that sounds horrible, but I can honestly say that postpartum depression and the devil himself sucked the joy right out of the first 6 to 8 weeks of my baby's life. Why was I depressed? After all, I have a wonderful husband, a job that I can easily balance with motherhood, and a new, beautiful baby boy. But the waves of guilt crashed on top of me over and over and over again, from the first moment that I held my little boy in my arms while he was hooked up to all sorts of machines until God turned me around to see the truth.

Here is what I was up against:

I had ridiculous expectations of what childbirth was going to be. I imagined that I would start by having contractions and my husband and I would handle the pain until I couldn't anymore. Then, my doula would come to my house and help me until the pain got too bad or my water broke. Then we would go and within 4 hours of labor, my baby Nathanial would make it in to this world. All of you know what actually happened. 18 hours of labor, Pitocin, failed epidural, stadol, vacuum, episiotomy, third degree tears and a baby injured in childbirth.

Breastfeeding did not go well for Nathanial and me. Within the first four weeks I had 2 mastitis infections and determined not to breastfeed. Then, I changed my mind, re lactated and developed a yeast infection in both breasts. I felt guilty and that I was truly a horrible mom because I could not breastfeed. I told myself that his arm would not heal because I wasn't breastfeeding. Crazy, no?

I had unrealistic expectations of what I should have been able to accomplish after birth and with a newborn. I like a clean house and I want to clean my house myself. I didn't appreciate the fact that I was anemic, I had lacerations on my bottom, I was spending calories left and right breastfeeding, and I was sleep deprived. And I felt awful for not being able to keep my house clean.

The health problems continue with me today and I take supplements and eat as little sugar as I can stand to help rid my body of this systemic yeast.

How did I know I was depressed? I cried. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I cried in the shower. I cried while I held my baby. I cried while I breastfed. One night in the shower, I was so upset and with the bar of soap I started wailing on my right leg. I had emotionally beat myself up and allowed a physical manifestation of that to take place. I had bruises for quite some time.

When my baby was about five weeks old, I finally broke down and told my husband I needed help. I started by visiting the midwife who delievered my baby. I wanted to know exactly what happened. She took her time with me and explained it to me I guess in the best way she could. She then referred me to a therapist who I still see occasionally today. After several weeks of seeing the therapist, I decided to ask about anti-depressants and I am now on Zoloft.

The BIGGEST change came in my relationship with God, which my therapist helped me with quite a bit. With her help during my sessions, I have been able to find the time to spend peaceful alone time in prayer and in the Bible.

I'm so grateful for that. Today I am feeling better physically, mentally and emotionally and I am enjoying my baby. Postpartum depresion is a real happening that can steal precious moments from mom's and baby's. I believe that this is even more catostrophic when there has been a traumatic birth. If you feel that you are experiencing this, do not wait another day. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Call your OB, seek therapy, consider medication and take time for quiet time with your spirit. If you don't know Jesus, just give him a chance. There is such peace and joy and love in Him.

Baby Items I Use Almost DAILY

2008-06-30T22:22:00.000-04:00

Enfamil Gentlease -- The little guy has a sensitive tummy and so the doctor recommended this formula. It has worked very well.
Huggies Products -- Specifically, I prefer Huggies diapers and the Natural Care Bath wash. My husband likes Pampers diapers, but this is my list and my vote is for Huggies. To me, they puff up a bit more and so I know without a shadow of a doubt when my baby is wet and they don't have that sickening smell that in my opinion Pampers do.
A Changing Pad -- Everyone told us that we would end up changing diapers all over the house, and we do, but, little man pees everywhere. Thus, it is best that we change his diapers and his clothes ON the changing table.
Johnson and Johnson Products -- We use Johnson and Johnson baby lotion and the diaper cream without complaint from the little guy.
Born Free Bottles -- Made in Israel and BPA free, we started with these bottles and we haven't looked back since.
Born Free Microwave Sterilizer -- Even though the nurses at the hospital told us not to sterilize anything, we still use this every single day with all of our bottles, used pacifiers, etc. It makes us feel better.
Gerber Baby Juice -- White Grape and Pear Juice to help baby boy with his bowel issues.
Soothie Brand Pacifiers -- So Nathanial isn't really the pacifier type, but, he does prefer the Soothie pacifiers over all other. They are 100% silicone. They're not that cute, but he likes them. There is one that is for teethers that he already wants to chew on.
Little Remedies -- A couple drops of Little Noses saline drops and a couple mls of Little Tummies gripe water for a tummy ache and we are good to go! The gripe water is good mixed with a little bit of juice and a touch of water to reduce the hiccups. At least that is what we have found.
GAS DROPS -- Mylacon or generic, I recommend gas drops. They are perfectly safe and they just help when the belly is rolling, rolling, rolling!
Graco Pack n' Play -- Technically, my mother and mother-in-law use this system more than I do when they keep him. It is his crib away from home. Lee and I also pack it and take it as a crib for trips.
Graco Travel System -- It is a little bulky, but the system is pretty neat and I feel safe putting him in the carrier. If you want something lighter than the large stroller, there is a cart that you can put the carrier into that folds up a little bit more and is lighter.
The Baby Bjorn -- For a long time, Nathanial hated his Baby Bjorn! But now, we can go to the grocery store and he is perfectly content!

Baby Nathanial at 3.5 Months

2008-06-25T22:22:00.000-04:00

I LOVE babies at this age, especially mine. I have to admit, though some would scold me for it, newborns are hard for me. Of course I loved my own through that stage, but I will be honest and say that I'm glad it's over. I'm glad we aren't waking up 3 times a night for feedings, that sort of thing. What I'm even MORE excited about is all of the fun new things Nathanial is doing. He can now:

Hold his head up fairly well both when he is sitting up supported and during tummy time.

He tries SO hard to sit up. He hates lying down. He arches his neck up and tries so hard to get to as sitting up position.

He's cooing like crazy. Last night at 4 in the morning, he woke us up just talking to himself. It turned into hunger cries, but, it was very sweet at the time.

He smiles and is very close to laughing out loud. It turns into more of a sucking in, squealing sound, but it's so cute!

He is very close to rolling over!

He's starting to swat at things and hold things in his hands. He's getting to where he likes and appreciates toys!

He's in size 6 month and 6-9 month clothing. SOME 3-6 month things still fit him, but not many. Last time he was weighed in, he was 15 lbs 6 oz and was 25.5 inches long! Needless to say, weight gain and growth is not an issue.

So, since he was about six weeks old, my mother and my mother-in-law have been nagging me to put him on rice cereal. OK, maybe "nagging" is a harsh word, but they suggested frequently that it wouldn't be a bad thing. So, normally doctors these days are recommending that you give rice cereal at 4 months. Well, at 3.5 months and with this most recent 4 am wake up, we decided to give it a shot. We used Gerber and mixed 1 tbsp of cereal with 4 tbsp of formula. Now, we made the mistake of trying to do this when he was, well, starving. Nathanial goes from happy baby to incredibly hungry in about, hmmm, 45 seconds. So, the initial attempt did not go well. So, we gave him a bit of formula, bathed him, which always calms him down, and tried again.

Well, he took about 15 spoonfuls and then got frustrated. But, I was excited that he at least swallowed it! I think he was definitely hungry and didn't mind it too badly. He was an absolute mess after we were finished! He had cereal all over his mouth, on his chest, everywhere. Since he got frustrated, we finished with the bottle, but he at least got a bit in his system. We'll see how he adjusts.

We're going to try to be consistent and have it in the evenings before bath time over the next few weeks. We'll see what happens. We've been giving him about 0.5 ounces of pear or white grape juice mixed with a touch of water for constipation and that will have to continue as we put him on more cereal.

After The Newborn Wears Off

2008-06-23T22:12:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have not blogged in a very long time. Shame on me. But, as many of you new moms know and you soon to be moms will soon find out, babies wear you out! My Nathanial is wonderful, of course, and that is why I chose to spend time with him over blogging! But, he is now going to bed around 9 pm and waking up anywhere betwen 4:00 - 7:00 am. Let me wrap up what has happened since the end of May:

I FINALLY got over the whole breastfeeding thing, let my milk dry up and am still recovering from the yeast infection in my breast. It's gone, for the most part, but I still have flare ups now and then. I'm having to take acidofilus tablets and supplements and cut WAY back on sugar, which is OK I guess since I have abou 20 lbs to lose (not baby weight, just weight!)
Nathanial's arm has definitely started showing signs of improvement with the Erb's Palsy. He is starting to raise it more, but we're still looking for signs of improvement in the bicep muscles. We're going to therapy every other week and have an MRI scheduled for July 9th. He has to be sedated, which I'm not excited about, but, we are looking forward to knowing exactlywhat we are looking at in regards to the injury.
I'm still seeing a therapist for postpartum depression and I've started on 50mg of Zoloft. I am definitely getting better mentally and spiritually which I will go further into detail in another post.
I am back to working around 25 hours a week, and I have to say I feel like I'm in a good balance with work and raising my baby. I wish I could stay home with him all of the time, but I also do enjoy what I do as well. It's nothing fancy. I'm an assistant. But I don't mind being someone's right arm. It works for me I guess.
My husband and I are trying to get back into the gym routine, going early and alternating mornings. We'll see if we can keep it up!

Those are probably the big things that at least get you somewhat caught up. I'll go into detail in more specific posts on things, but I felt the need to just re-evaluate the last 4 weeks. SO much happens in four weeks.

The Top 10 Things I love About My Baby Nathanial

2008-05-31T22:23:00.000-04:00

#10. His cute little baby bootie.
#9. His 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.
#8. The sprouts of reddish hair beginning to grow.
#7. How much he looks like me.
#6. How much he looks like his daddy.
#5. How mad he gets when he is A. Hungry, B. Wet, C. Fighting sleep.
#4. The sad little face he makes with his lower lip puffed out when he is mad or sad.
#3. The fact that he is three months ahead in clothing sizes.
#2. His coos.
#1. His bright, big, full-faced smile.

My Breastfeeding Breakdown and Breakthrough

2008-05-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

As I sit writing I feel that deep, shooting pain that comes with the let down reflex when you have a yeast infection in your milk ducts. That’s right. I have a yeast infection in my milk ducts. This is following two bacterial mastitis infections and two rounds of antibiotics. Keep in mind, my child is only 9 weeks old. Since he has been born, I have had few days where both I and my breasts were well. In regards to preventative measures, I felt like I was on the right path. Then, I noticed my right breast was somewhat sore. Then, the chills started. I’ve never been so cold in my life! I felt like ice on the inside! I took a hot shower, snuggled into a hot robe, drank a cup of hot tea and was still cold! I suspected I had a breast infection, and I was right. I spiked a fever of 102.8. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fever so high. So, I decided to get it cleared up, continue to pump and to nurse, and all was well…
…until only a few days after I finished taking my antibiotics I began to feel pain in my right arm all the way up into my arm pit. Mastitis infection #2. Antibiotics, take two. After this round of antibiotics combined with the approaching return to work, I decided to give up breastfeeding for good. I decreased the amount of time I pumped and did not nurse at all. While I felt remorse, disappointment, and yes guilt over the decision, I knew I couldn’t take another round of antibiotics, and, well, neither could he.
After about a week of full formula (we had been supplementing a bit), my little boys was having the worst time going to the bathroom. And I knew it was the formula and I knew he needed my breastmilk again. So, I decided to relactate. A decision my husband was as comfortable with as I was.
[A little bit of background. My son endured shoulder dystocia when he was born and entered the world with no heartbeat and not breathing. Though I pumped and tried nursing in the NICU, we were separated and my milk did not truly come in until we were both home. I have horribly little, flat nipples and the lactation consultant who met with me the first time in the hospital recommended a nipple shield. What I didn’t know is that nipple shields are not meant to be used all of the time. They can trap in germs, rub the nipples raw and keep the baby from efficiently emptying the breast. I used them and believe fully that they hindered my success. Moving on…]
So I researched relactation and knew what the process would entail. Pump and nurse as often as I could. I decided to take the process easy due to my previous bouts of mastitis and not build up too big of a supply too quickly. I did nurse, although this time I refused to use the shields and the baby did just fine without them. I also pumped, even at work and began to see an increase slowly but surely. Then, new pains started to arise. My nipples became somewhat scabby and when he would eat they would have a whitish look to them. I knew something was wrong when my letdown changed from the normal pins and needles feeling to the equivalent of labor pain in my chest. Yes, it hurts that bad when my milk lets down.So that is where I am at now. I’m taking Diflucan and treating the baby with Nystatin in case he too has an oral yeast population. Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide what to do. This is what I have realized: I have to choose what is right for both my baby AND myself. I would put his health ahead of mine any day, but at the end of the day, nutrition is part of what Mommies are supposed to provide, but that is certainly not all. When I hurt and feel sick, I find myself being a more remote mother who doesn’t necessarily want to be close to her baby. And that is sad. I do want to give these medicines time to work and continue if I feel well again. However, I don’t want to look back at my baby’s first few months and hate myself for being such a miserable, sad and depressed Mommy. It seems for me that this decision has become bigger than deciding whether or not to have a baby in the first place. That’s how important it is to me. I just want to get it right. Right for him. Right for me. Right for my family. For those of you for whom nursing is easy and natural, enjoy it, relish in it, and praise God every day for it; because for those of us who struggle, it’s a hard, painful, overwhelming fight that makes you feel completely inadequate.

Breastfeeding: Liquid Gold Producing Major Guilt

2008-04-23T13:15:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in my previous post, my little baby came into this world in a bit of a traumatic way and spent four days in the NICU. The morning after my son was born, the special care nursery nurses said that I could breastfeed him. They wanted him to have a specific intake over the next few days to monitor his sugar and adjust his IVs as needed. At first, it was only 10ccs. So I went to the nursery and had the opportunity to have a lactation consultant help me the first time. Because of the size and shape of my nipples, she recommended a nipple shield. With help, my baby latched on and I was able to provide the 10 ccs of colostrum that the nurses needed.

Over the next couple of days, I tried to pump every three hours for at least 15 minutes. This yielded very small results. By the time Nathanial was allowed to leave the hospital, he was up to 4 ounces per feeding of formula. That is quite a good size feeding for a brand new baby and quite an amount for my breasts to catch up with! On top of the delay in having close contact with Nathanial, I also had company in and EVERYONE wanted to see the baby and spend time with us. Because we had such a hard time with breastfeeding from the beginning, I chose to pump and bottle feed while people were around.

Still, I could not get my production up. Once everyone had given us a bit of space, I decided to try feeding at the breast again with Nathanial. I KNOW this is how I managed to up my production. Nathanial ate every 2.5 to 3 hours and nursed for an hour. This increased my production dramatically. At night, my husband fed the baby while I pumped. It seemed to work better for us than my breastfeeding for an hour at night.

So those were my days for about a week and a half. I nursed him for an hour, put him down and tried to get things done, and then nursed him again about 2.5 hours later. It was difficult, but I had no idea it was about to get much worse. My right breast began to get a little bit pink and a little sore. I assumed it was just a little engorged and went about my business. Then, the chills hit. I have never been so cold in my life! To get warm, I took a hot shower, wrapped myself in a robe that had been heated up in the dryer, and drank hot tea. Still, I could not get warm. I knew I had a breast infection. The next day, the on call midwife worked me in and prescribed antibiotic. That day, my fever spiked to 102.8! I haven't had a fever that high in my entire adult life!

I chose to pump that breast and nurse the right breast over the next bit until the soreness went away. Once it did, I began nursing again, and to ensure I had drained the breast, I pumped the remaining milk away at the end of the nursing session.

Then, a day before my baby turned 5 weeks old, I began to feel pain up in under my arm. The chills began and I immediately put myself on Tylenol and ibuprofen piggy backed to reduce the fever. I called my OB/GYN and they called in another prescription of antibiotic. Now, I am trying to pump exclusively and praying that I can kick this infection for good.

I wanted so badly for breastfeeding to go well and for me to be able to nurse/provide breast milk to my son for at least six months. Now, I feel as though I am running my own health down. It's not that I want to put my own health before his, but I can't mother the way I need to when I am running a fever and dealing with aches and pains. Still, the amount of pressure placed on new mothers to breastfeed is overwhelming. I feel that if I do not continue, I am not providing Nathanial with the best start, and thus, I am a bad mother.

We will see what happens with this pumping only thing. I pump 6 times a day: 3, 7, and 11 morning and night respectively. I'm praying I can make it work at least for the next 4.5 months. Wish me luck!

THE BIRTH

2008-04-13T14:37:00.000-04:00

Many weeks have past since the last time I posted a new blog entry. What happened? Well, around 3:30 am on March 13th, I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed fluid that I had not had before. It wasn't the dramatic gush that you see on television, just a little something that made me wonder. So, I woke up my husband and we called the on call doctor with my OB/GYN practice. At 7:30, we still had not heard back, so we called again and were told to go on into the hospital. Keep in mind, I wasn't having any contractions.

Lee and I took our time getting to the hospital. We even stopped at McDonald's for McMuffins. When we arrived, we checked in and were taken to one of the labor and delivery room. The room was very good size and had a couch, a television, a bathroom, and of course, a hospital bed with stirrups. We did not have to wait too long before a nurse came to check me out. They tested the fluid and found it not to be amniotic fluid. They still hooked me up to a fetal monitor and sent in the midwife to check me out, who re-tested the fluid and guess what! It was amniotic fluid.

Because I had waited to long to come in (4 hours) since my water had broken, the midwife started me on Pitocin to start contractions. They started but for quite a while I did not feel them. I did have a drop in blood pressure that resulted in them placing me on my side and administering oxygen for a bit. Then, I started to feel those contractions! The most frustrating part was that I couldn't move as I had wanted to move. I had these visions of being able to walk around and get in the shower and use natural methods to control my pain. By around 5 o'clock in the afternoon, I was at about 4 cm dilated and READY for an epidural.

Let me preface the following by saying that my epidural experience was one of millions, so please do not let me scare you. The anesthesiologist was an annoying man who felt the need to explain in thorough, vivid detail every step of what he was doing. He could tell that he was having a hard time with it and kept asking me if and where I was feeling twinges. I was feeling twinges alright! My right leg kept jerking. I almost changed my mind and said "FORGET IT" right then and there. But, I wanted the pain to go away. Finally, the the epidural was established and I was able to lay back down. And I waited for the pain to subside. And I waited. And I waited. Finally, I said something. The anesthesiologist came back and did a "top off dose." Again, I waited. My right leg went somewhat numb. And I waited. And I was still in pain. Again the anesthesiologist came back and offered to do a second epidural. No way!

I opted for a dose of Stadol, which I knew would not take the pain away but rather take away the knowledge that the pain even existed. In other words, its a narcotic that takes you too La La Land. La La Land, as it turns out, was exactly where I needed to be. During my time on Stadol, I embraced the pain and allowed myself to relax. I went from 6 cm to 10 cm in little over an hour. Then, my body told me to push. The "urge to push" is the most overpowering physical sensation I have ever felt. While there was still pain, the process of pushing eased the pain of the contractions extremely.

So I pushed. And I pushed. They put a mirror up so I could see and "be more motivated to push." It was terrifying and I made them put the mirror down. And I pushed. And pushed some more. Three hours later, the midwife asked if I wanted help with a vacuum. By this point, I was following asleep between pushing and knew I needed some help. I was moving the baby down, but not nearly as effectively as I needed to. So, she connected the vacuum and I pushed and between the two of us, Nathanial's head was delivered. At some point, an episiotomy was cut, though I don't remember when.

The next two minutes comprise the biggest blur of memories in my entire life. I heard the midwife call for the doctor to be paged, and I knew something was wrong. I prepared myself emotionally for an emergency C-section. I blinked and there were two labor and delivery nurses on top of me pushing on my pelvis. I remember continuing to push and feeling the pressure relieve when the baby was out. I remember asking "is he how?"

What I did know at the time was that my husband didn't get to cut the cord and the baby wasn't laying on my chest. I knew that there was merconium in the amniotic fluid and so I assumed that they were cleaning out his lungs. But there were so many people in the room. I kept asking "Is my baby okay? Is my baby going to be okay?" My doula tried to calm me down and reassure me and the midwife as well.

What I didn't know at the time is that my baby was born not breathing and without a heart beat. They did revive him and placed him on my chest for less than a minute. Nathanial was taken to the special care nursery and my husband Lee went with him, leaving my doula with me.

For the next half an hour, the midwife sewed me up. I had not only an episiotomy but also third degree tears. Still, somehow, endorphins had taken over and I was high on life. I knew my little baby was in the nursery, but I knew he was breathing and had a heart beat again. My husband returned and told me that there was an issue with his shoulder and that they were taken X-rays to see if it had been broken. The labor and delivery nurse offered to help me shower. I accepted. I ate a graham cracker and drank some apple juice. Then, I finally was wheeled into the nursery to see my baby.

There he lay with wires all attached to him and an IV in the arm that had been damaged during the birth. It was scary how not scared I was. Please don't misunderstand. I did end up falling apart, but it wasn't at the hospital. At the hospital, I was strong. At the hospital, I kept it together. For my baby and for my husband who wept many times over our son's trauma.

I was in the hospital for three days total and my baby for four. He is doing well and we are going to physical therapy with hopes that he nerve that was stretched during birth will regenerate and that he will recover with no residual effects. The name of his trouble is Erb's Palsy and what caused it was extreme shoulder dystocia (shoulders becoming stuck during birth). It was not one of those easy births seen on A Baby Story, but he is okay and so am I. Over the past six weeks I have met many other struggles including breastfeeding, infections and postpartum depression.

Please keep reading to see how things go.

Two Crazy Weeks

2008-03-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

These past two weeks have been crazy. Two weeks ago on a normal Tuesday appointment, the midwife decided it was time for an ultrasound to see just how big baby Nathanial is going to be. Turns out, his weight was estimated at 7 lbs 14 oz. That was two weeks ago. While the ultrasonographer was looking around, she checked my amniotic fluid levels. They were low. And so began the cycle of going to the Dr. twice a week for both NSTs (fetal non-stress test) and AFIs (amniotic fluid index).

While I now know that my personal situation seems to be controllable by drinking a TON of water everyday, it was very, very scary at first. We were asked to come back the Friday after that normal Tuesday with the knowledge that if the fluid was lower, they may consider induction. At the time, we were not quite term yet. (Approx. 36 weeks, 3 days) Thankfully, I was able to get the fluid levels back up and they have not mentioned induction since. I know that they will not let me go much past my due date, however, due to the baby's size. Now, let me explain about both tests as they are utilized by my OB/GYN group.

Fetal NST

The NST scared me the most, but now I've become more used to them. Basically, a fetal heart rate monitor is placed with a band around my belly. I am given a hand held device with a button on it. Imagine the Jeopardy buzzer. I am then asked to hit the button every time the baby moves. The doctor looks for the baby's heart rate to accelerate with the movements. My baby is so crammed in my belly at this point that he is not the most active thing. He is most active at night (4:00 am). This past NST, we did sip on some Coke to get some movement going. It was very effective. So far, these have all gone well.

AFI

The doctors and midwifes check the amniotic fluid levels essentially by doing an ultrasound and measuring pockets of fluid. Nothing to elaborate - the ultrasound machine they use is a portable one that doesn't show a lot, but, it gets the job done.

My Biggest Mistake

The biggest mistake I made during this time was opening up Google and typing in "low amniotic fluid." Of course, ALL of the possible reasons for it, problems caused by it and solutions for it came flooding through the search engine flood gates. The panic and anxiety drove me to tears. I was unable to function at work thinking about all the things that could be wrong with my baby and all of the things that could go wrong. My husband, my doctors and my co-workers all fussed at me for it and calmed me down as much as they could. I wasn't much calmer until I went back to the doctor and had brought my fluid levels back up.

So that is where we are now - going to the doctor twice a week with NSTs and AFIs each visit. Per last visit, I am 1 cm dilated and 70-75% effaced. My feet are swelling, my back is hurting, and I am ready to go into labor :0)